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Namaste,
Mike
Monday, 7 June 2010
Friday, 21 May 2010
The Chakra Model of Human Needs
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The Importance of Needs
Most of us grew up being given messages like “don’t be so selfish”, or “I want doesn’t get”. Actually this is far from a healthy truth. We all have needs which come from different aspects of ourselves and it is very important that these needs are met. In fact it is only when our own needs are met that we can truly support meeting the needs of others. The more our own needs are met, the more able we are to support others to do the same. Think of the analogy of the oxygen masks in the aeroplane “please fit your own mask before helping others”. Most of us accept this as sensible advice but don’t apply this thinking to our own needs, often making our needs less important than those of others.
There are many ways of exploring what our needs are and many models awe can apply to help us understand them. Abraham Maslow defined an interesting set in his “Hierarchy of Needs”. Starting with Biological and Physiological Needs such as food, sex and shelter and ascending through the different levels of Safety, Belonging & Love, Esteem and finally reaching Self-actualisation., he defines a set of principles which categorise human needs. His belief was that basic human needs like food, sleep and warmth need to be met before “higher” needs such as affection and personal growth can be addressed.
The Luxury of Emotion
There is much to be said for this. We are very privileged in this society that we live in a world where our basic needs are almost always met. Very few people reading this will be unable to feed or house themselves. This is not true for many people alive today in countries in the developing world. It seems to me that only once a society has developed sufficiently to a level where these basic physiological needs can readily be met that people are able to engage in the luxury of having feelings.
Our grandparents’ generation “survived perfectly without emotions”, as my grandmother used to tell me! Of course whilst this isn’t true, it may be said that historically when there was more risk of an early death from disease or less surety of regular food, etc. that emotions were a luxury which it may have been difficult for our ancestors to access as easily as we can today.
Chakra Model of Needs
Another model of needs is related to the chakras. We are beings who operate at many different levels. These can be defined by the chakra system. It makes sense to me then that our needs may also be linked to the corresponding chakras.
There is some overlap here between Maslow’s mode land the chakra model. Basic needs such as food, safety and a stable home environment could be said to relate to the base chakra. This chakra is also about grounding and connecting to the energy of mother earth. It is from here that our physiological needs must be met. Without a strong and stable base, it is much harder to have our other needs met.
Second Chakra
The second chakra relates to our sexuality, to creativity and to emotions. We have needs which must be met which relate to this chakra. The expression of sexuality, which Maslow puts under Biological and Physiological needs, is a core need of every human being. This does not mean that we must have sex, but that our being has a need for us to recognise and honour our sexuality. For example, I have a friend who is a nun, a mother superior, who is, of course, celibate but who acknowledges her sexuality and honours it without needing to act it out. For example she acknowledges that she finds certain men physically and sexually attractive, but she does not act on these feelings. Recognising these feelings and needs is the important part of this dynamic, not acting them out. It is the non-recognition of this part of ourselves which causes the distress. Denying and suppressing our sexuality will cause dis-function and even physical illness. But this does not mean that if you’re not having sex or choosing to be celibate that you are in denial, simply that you may not feel the need to act out in behaviour that part of yourself which you acknowledge to be a present and important part in your life.
Other second chakra aspects include creativity and emotion. We are all creative beings, even if we have received negative messages about our creative talents. It is only the limiting force of the ego which stops us from being beautifully, wonderfully, creatively expressive.
Similarly we are all emotional beings. Those of us who may be more mind identified (i.e. relate more easily to thoughts than feelings), still experience emotions but may suppress them. To be fulfilled we need to be able to express ourselves emotionally, sexually and creatively. These needs relate to the second chakra.
Third Chakra
The third chakra is the seat of our personal power, of our Will and our sense of self at an egoic level. If we don’t experience positive affirmation of ourselves as children, this sense of self can often be weakened and lead to unclear boundaries. This is no where more true than in sex. An unclear sense of self can lead to unclear thoughts about what is acceptable and what isn’t sexually. If the boundaries between what is OK for you personally and what isn’t are unclear, it is all too easy to find ones self in sexual situations which we may be uncomfortable with. These may be emotional unsafe experiences or they may even be physically unsafe. This is a common result of unclear boundaries borne of an unclear sense of self.
Working with clients as a sacred sexual healer, one of the most important things I do for women is to empower them to say “No”. Too often men persuade, bully, cajole and sometimes force women into situations about which they are not comfortable with. Being able to say No clearly and firmly comes from having a strong enough sense of self respect, and a firm enough Will. All this comes from having a good connection with our third chakra. The result of not having the needs of our solar plexus met can be physically and emotionally dangerous.
The needs of the third chakra are not just about boundaries but also about having a presence in the world and having that presence acknowledged by others. It is about the space you occupy in this life and having that recognised by others.
Fourth Chakra
The Heart is the next chakra. The needs of the heart are to love and be loved. This flow needs to be met both ways. Being loved is not enough. Loving another is not, alone, sufficient. For the needs of the heart to be met Love must flow both ways. And Love must be met. If Love is offered and not received, at a human level, its needs are not met. I am talking here about the personal qualities of Love, not the Transpersonal. The nature of Transpersonal Love is Unconditional Love. This is something which operates at another level to normal human love though we are all capable of experiencing it.
We could say that there are four elements to the needs of Love. Giving Love, Having that Love received, Being offered Love, receiving Love. In a situation between two people each person must both give and receive Love for it to flow fully and freely between them. Only in doing so are the full needs of human Love met.
Fifth Chakra
The fifth chakra resides in the throat. This is the seat of expression, vocalisation and truth. The needs of the fifth chakra are around communication. It is important to express your feelings and to state clearly your truth. The expression of personal truth will come from either Love or Will. Statements of so called “positive” emotions come from the heart and are the expression of Love. Truth statements about what are sometimes called “negative” emotions (anger for example) or around boundaries come from the third chakra and are the expression of the Will. The important thing is that both are expressed through the throat chakra.
It is the active communication of these truths which is the significant part of these needs. There is little point in having clarity about our boundaries or in feeling deep love for another if we don’t communicate that to the other. It is the expression of empathy, for example, not simply empathy itself which matters in relationship.
Sixth Chakra
The Third Eye or Sixth Chakra is the seat of intuition and insight. Not listening to our intuition can lead us to put ourselves in situations which do not serve us and may endanger us. We are not opening ourselves to the full range of possibilities in our world if we do not listen to our intuition. Closing down to the possible through not meeting the needs of our sixth chakra limits us and cuts us off from the ability to expand, both personally and transpersonally.
Activating our intuition we have knowledge. This is knowledge as opposed to intellectual understanding, more than a rational construct. This knowledge gives us a trust in ourselves and our circumstances. It gives us trust in being at the right place at the right time, in making right decisions and following the right path.
With our intuition activated we make more of life because we make the most of opportunities and of lessons when they come to us. Your experience of life becomes fuller, more magical and you are more inclined to dive in and engage with it fully.
When you have trust, this leads you to the crown chakra.
Seventh Chakra
The needs of the crown chakra are both the most basic and the highest of our needs. This is to re-connect to the divine source that is both our origin and the essence of our being as we are today. Our transpersonal needs are as important as any of our other needs and to deny them leads to physiological disease just as much as unfulfilled needs from other chakras.
When your needs of the crown chakra are met you are aligned to your highest purpose. You are truly fulfilling yourself and your potential. When you realise that you are acting for your highest good, you start to see the greater good, the good for all, the connection with source.
Part of this connection with source could be a devotional practice. When you feel you have a higher goal which you are fulfilling, this may manifest as a feeling of harmony and a real sense of divine order and it will bring feelings of gratitude. This can be expressed as a devotional practice or a positive humanitarian attitude. Viktor Frankl in his book “From Death Camp to Existentialism” talks about prisoners in Auschwitz. He noticed that those who had a belief in a higher power or purpose were more likely to stay physically fit and thus to survive. He makes the link between having an awareness of connection with source and this giving one additional resources which helped them to survive the horrors of Auschwitz.
Needs and Relationship
In the same way that as individuals we have needs corresponding to each chakra, it is also true that we are most fulfilled when all these needs are met in us as individuals. An extension of this is that if we are in relationship, we are most fulfilled when the needs of each chakra are acknowledged and met by our partner. Too often the cause of broken relationships is because our needs are not met in relationship by the other. By creating awareness of our needs, expressing them clearly to or partner and having them met by the other, we have the opportunity to create a relationship which fulfils us completely by meeting us and seeing us at each level.
Of course not all relationships meet all of our needs and although this may be the ideal state of a relationship it is not always possible. What is important if our partner cannot meet all of our needs is that they acknowledge that we have these needs which come from each chakra and that it is our natural state to want to have them met. If a supportive partner is unable to meet your needs themselves, it is helpful if they can acknowledge that you have these needs and help to support you on getting them met through other means. This will lead to a feeling of being seen and honoured by your partner even if they can’t meet all your needs themselves. Of course the reverse is true in that your partner may want you to be willing to support their needs in a similar way.
In conclusion meeting our needs is one of the most important things that we can do. If we don’t acknowledge and take steps to meet these needs they become distorted and it is very easy to act out unhealthy behaviours which are distortions of our real needs. Alternatively we can become embittered, angry or even physically sick as a result of suppressing our needs. We put our own needs on hold at grave peril to our physical, emotional, mental and spiritual well-being.
The Importance of Needs
Most of us grew up being given messages like “don’t be so selfish”, or “I want doesn’t get”. Actually this is far from a healthy truth. We all have needs which come from different aspects of ourselves and it is very important that these needs are met. In fact it is only when our own needs are met that we can truly support meeting the needs of others. The more our own needs are met, the more able we are to support others to do the same. Think of the analogy of the oxygen masks in the aeroplane “please fit your own mask before helping others”. Most of us accept this as sensible advice but don’t apply this thinking to our own needs, often making our needs less important than those of others.
There are many ways of exploring what our needs are and many models awe can apply to help us understand them. Abraham Maslow defined an interesting set in his “Hierarchy of Needs”. Starting with Biological and Physiological Needs such as food, sex and shelter and ascending through the different levels of Safety, Belonging & Love, Esteem and finally reaching Self-actualisation., he defines a set of principles which categorise human needs. His belief was that basic human needs like food, sleep and warmth need to be met before “higher” needs such as affection and personal growth can be addressed.
The Luxury of Emotion
There is much to be said for this. We are very privileged in this society that we live in a world where our basic needs are almost always met. Very few people reading this will be unable to feed or house themselves. This is not true for many people alive today in countries in the developing world. It seems to me that only once a society has developed sufficiently to a level where these basic physiological needs can readily be met that people are able to engage in the luxury of having feelings.
Our grandparents’ generation “survived perfectly without emotions”, as my grandmother used to tell me! Of course whilst this isn’t true, it may be said that historically when there was more risk of an early death from disease or less surety of regular food, etc. that emotions were a luxury which it may have been difficult for our ancestors to access as easily as we can today.
Chakra Model of Needs
Another model of needs is related to the chakras. We are beings who operate at many different levels. These can be defined by the chakra system. It makes sense to me then that our needs may also be linked to the corresponding chakras.
There is some overlap here between Maslow’s mode land the chakra model. Basic needs such as food, safety and a stable home environment could be said to relate to the base chakra. This chakra is also about grounding and connecting to the energy of mother earth. It is from here that our physiological needs must be met. Without a strong and stable base, it is much harder to have our other needs met.
Second Chakra
The second chakra relates to our sexuality, to creativity and to emotions. We have needs which must be met which relate to this chakra. The expression of sexuality, which Maslow puts under Biological and Physiological needs, is a core need of every human being. This does not mean that we must have sex, but that our being has a need for us to recognise and honour our sexuality. For example, I have a friend who is a nun, a mother superior, who is, of course, celibate but who acknowledges her sexuality and honours it without needing to act it out. For example she acknowledges that she finds certain men physically and sexually attractive, but she does not act on these feelings. Recognising these feelings and needs is the important part of this dynamic, not acting them out. It is the non-recognition of this part of ourselves which causes the distress. Denying and suppressing our sexuality will cause dis-function and even physical illness. But this does not mean that if you’re not having sex or choosing to be celibate that you are in denial, simply that you may not feel the need to act out in behaviour that part of yourself which you acknowledge to be a present and important part in your life.
Other second chakra aspects include creativity and emotion. We are all creative beings, even if we have received negative messages about our creative talents. It is only the limiting force of the ego which stops us from being beautifully, wonderfully, creatively expressive.
Similarly we are all emotional beings. Those of us who may be more mind identified (i.e. relate more easily to thoughts than feelings), still experience emotions but may suppress them. To be fulfilled we need to be able to express ourselves emotionally, sexually and creatively. These needs relate to the second chakra.
Third Chakra
The third chakra is the seat of our personal power, of our Will and our sense of self at an egoic level. If we don’t experience positive affirmation of ourselves as children, this sense of self can often be weakened and lead to unclear boundaries. This is no where more true than in sex. An unclear sense of self can lead to unclear thoughts about what is acceptable and what isn’t sexually. If the boundaries between what is OK for you personally and what isn’t are unclear, it is all too easy to find ones self in sexual situations which we may be uncomfortable with. These may be emotional unsafe experiences or they may even be physically unsafe. This is a common result of unclear boundaries borne of an unclear sense of self.
Working with clients as a sacred sexual healer, one of the most important things I do for women is to empower them to say “No”. Too often men persuade, bully, cajole and sometimes force women into situations about which they are not comfortable with. Being able to say No clearly and firmly comes from having a strong enough sense of self respect, and a firm enough Will. All this comes from having a good connection with our third chakra. The result of not having the needs of our solar plexus met can be physically and emotionally dangerous.
The needs of the third chakra are not just about boundaries but also about having a presence in the world and having that presence acknowledged by others. It is about the space you occupy in this life and having that recognised by others.
Fourth Chakra
The Heart is the next chakra. The needs of the heart are to love and be loved. This flow needs to be met both ways. Being loved is not enough. Loving another is not, alone, sufficient. For the needs of the heart to be met Love must flow both ways. And Love must be met. If Love is offered and not received, at a human level, its needs are not met. I am talking here about the personal qualities of Love, not the Transpersonal. The nature of Transpersonal Love is Unconditional Love. This is something which operates at another level to normal human love though we are all capable of experiencing it.
We could say that there are four elements to the needs of Love. Giving Love, Having that Love received, Being offered Love, receiving Love. In a situation between two people each person must both give and receive Love for it to flow fully and freely between them. Only in doing so are the full needs of human Love met.
Fifth Chakra
The fifth chakra resides in the throat. This is the seat of expression, vocalisation and truth. The needs of the fifth chakra are around communication. It is important to express your feelings and to state clearly your truth. The expression of personal truth will come from either Love or Will. Statements of so called “positive” emotions come from the heart and are the expression of Love. Truth statements about what are sometimes called “negative” emotions (anger for example) or around boundaries come from the third chakra and are the expression of the Will. The important thing is that both are expressed through the throat chakra.
It is the active communication of these truths which is the significant part of these needs. There is little point in having clarity about our boundaries or in feeling deep love for another if we don’t communicate that to the other. It is the expression of empathy, for example, not simply empathy itself which matters in relationship.
Sixth Chakra
The Third Eye or Sixth Chakra is the seat of intuition and insight. Not listening to our intuition can lead us to put ourselves in situations which do not serve us and may endanger us. We are not opening ourselves to the full range of possibilities in our world if we do not listen to our intuition. Closing down to the possible through not meeting the needs of our sixth chakra limits us and cuts us off from the ability to expand, both personally and transpersonally.
Activating our intuition we have knowledge. This is knowledge as opposed to intellectual understanding, more than a rational construct. This knowledge gives us a trust in ourselves and our circumstances. It gives us trust in being at the right place at the right time, in making right decisions and following the right path.
With our intuition activated we make more of life because we make the most of opportunities and of lessons when they come to us. Your experience of life becomes fuller, more magical and you are more inclined to dive in and engage with it fully.
When you have trust, this leads you to the crown chakra.
Seventh Chakra
The needs of the crown chakra are both the most basic and the highest of our needs. This is to re-connect to the divine source that is both our origin and the essence of our being as we are today. Our transpersonal needs are as important as any of our other needs and to deny them leads to physiological disease just as much as unfulfilled needs from other chakras.
When your needs of the crown chakra are met you are aligned to your highest purpose. You are truly fulfilling yourself and your potential. When you realise that you are acting for your highest good, you start to see the greater good, the good for all, the connection with source.
Part of this connection with source could be a devotional practice. When you feel you have a higher goal which you are fulfilling, this may manifest as a feeling of harmony and a real sense of divine order and it will bring feelings of gratitude. This can be expressed as a devotional practice or a positive humanitarian attitude. Viktor Frankl in his book “From Death Camp to Existentialism” talks about prisoners in Auschwitz. He noticed that those who had a belief in a higher power or purpose were more likely to stay physically fit and thus to survive. He makes the link between having an awareness of connection with source and this giving one additional resources which helped them to survive the horrors of Auschwitz.
Needs and Relationship
In the same way that as individuals we have needs corresponding to each chakra, it is also true that we are most fulfilled when all these needs are met in us as individuals. An extension of this is that if we are in relationship, we are most fulfilled when the needs of each chakra are acknowledged and met by our partner. Too often the cause of broken relationships is because our needs are not met in relationship by the other. By creating awareness of our needs, expressing them clearly to or partner and having them met by the other, we have the opportunity to create a relationship which fulfils us completely by meeting us and seeing us at each level.
Of course not all relationships meet all of our needs and although this may be the ideal state of a relationship it is not always possible. What is important if our partner cannot meet all of our needs is that they acknowledge that we have these needs which come from each chakra and that it is our natural state to want to have them met. If a supportive partner is unable to meet your needs themselves, it is helpful if they can acknowledge that you have these needs and help to support you on getting them met through other means. This will lead to a feeling of being seen and honoured by your partner even if they can’t meet all your needs themselves. Of course the reverse is true in that your partner may want you to be willing to support their needs in a similar way.
In conclusion meeting our needs is one of the most important things that we can do. If we don’t acknowledge and take steps to meet these needs they become distorted and it is very easy to act out unhealthy behaviours which are distortions of our real needs. Alternatively we can become embittered, angry or even physically sick as a result of suppressing our needs. We put our own needs on hold at grave peril to our physical, emotional, mental and spiritual well-being.
Friday, 7 May 2010
The Shape of a Woman
Oceanic Bliss
The natural state of the feminine is to be in her flow. In her true state, she is oceanic bliss. So often they do not allow themselves to experience this blissful state of fluidity but when they do, they are deep, mysterious, ever-changing, sometimes dangerous, sometimes serene, powerful and changeable. At some point the tide will be coming in. This may be a woman’s “Yes!” At another time the tide will be going out. This may be the woman’s “No!”
We simple, much more linear men, can get very confused by this. “What do you mean – No? Yesterday you said Yes to the same question!” This ever-changing nature can confuse and frighten some men. The truth is that the feminine is much more present in the moment than the masculine. She is a state of energy in motion and as such, her Yes’s and No’s may change in each moment. But this doesn’t make them any less true. When her tide is coming in – it’s a Yes. When it’s going out, it’s a No. Men: we may true to stand in the way of this tidal flow...but I wouldn’t recommend it. The oceanic state of the feminine will do whatever is right for her in each moment.
Too often this changeability is too much for a smaller man to handle. When a woman is in her full flow, she is in her power. This scares some men, so they try to limit her. Men who are not in their full masculine will often try to block, dam or channel the feminine into some path, some lesser flow that suits them and feels less threatening. If a woman allows this she allows an essential part of herself to be reduced and her power fades in that moment.
Women & Boundaries
Sometimes a woman may be disconnected from her feminine flow. This may be because she does not have a strong sense of herself, a sense of who she is as a fully powerful, mature woman. This unclear sense of self is sadly very frequent and is especially true of those who have experienced sexual abuse, particularly in childhood. This can manifest as having unclear boundaries, particularly around their sexuality.
A woman must be clear about her Yes’s and No’s, otherwise she can too easily find herself in situations, especially sexually, where she is behaving in ways which her body, heart or emotions do not want. Since Western society prizes the mind above all things it ignores feelings, intuition and the body.
This disconnect from the body, coupled with unclear sense of boundaries can lead people (and in this society women are doubly susceptible) into situations which they later regret or may even sometimes be unsafe. Men can be very good at exerting pressure on women to perform sexual acts which they may not feel comfortable doing but don’t feel able to say no to. So, learning our own personal boundaries is essential to having healthy interactions with others, even if it is just a brief sexual encounter.
The Water & the Ice Tray
Sometimes women without a clear sense of self look to others to create it for them. Again this is often true sexually. A woman lacking her own sense of self and being unclear about her boundaries may look to her partner to create them for her.
In this situation I see the woman in her natural state a fluid, she is water, flowing and changing. But being unclear of her own boundaries she pours herself into the container created by the masculine. If this is an unhealthy exchange the man may seek to limit her. The image I use for this is of water being poured into an ice cube tray. The feminine is in her flow, but being unclear of boundaries looks to the man to provide them. Instead of giving her freedom, he pours her into a container which he defines himself – the ice cube tray. Allowing herself to become limited by the man, she becomes frozen. She is no longer in her own flow but she is so relieved to have some sense of boundaries that she accepts this static, frozen position. But the limits are not set by her, but my the man. She has given away her power. The man is controlling her, but in limiting her he denies both himself and her the joy of experiencing a woman in her full power and the beauty of a woman in her flow.
The Wine & the Wine Glass
However, it is true that in order for the feminine to fully be in her flow, she needs to feel safely contained. A woman will hold herself up until she feels able to relax into her flow with a man who creates a safe enough container for her. But men: this does not mean limiting the woman.
For a healthier analogy of the masculine creating a safe container for feminine I like to think of a wine glass. The masculine is the wine glass, creating a safe environment for the woman. It is solid, has a firm base and can hold whatever the woman brings.
The woman, of course, is the wine. Poured into the glass, she retains her fluid state but is safely held. To savour a really good wine you must allow it to breathe. A fine wine must be given the freedom to move in the glass so that all its richness and subtleties can shine forth. To bring out the flavour of a good wine you do not stopper it, the wine glass has no lid on it. The feminine can move within the glass, in a swirl of her own richness. She has space to breathe and in doing so will release the subtle delights which only a woman can offer.
So, although a woman needs a safe container to feel free enough to move, she is not to stopped up or frozen, otherwise she will lose her essential fluidity and disconnect from her feminine. Like a fine wine, a woman should never be frozen or limited.
The natural state of the feminine is to be in her flow. In her true state, she is oceanic bliss. So often they do not allow themselves to experience this blissful state of fluidity but when they do, they are deep, mysterious, ever-changing, sometimes dangerous, sometimes serene, powerful and changeable. At some point the tide will be coming in. This may be a woman’s “Yes!” At another time the tide will be going out. This may be the woman’s “No!”
We simple, much more linear men, can get very confused by this. “What do you mean – No? Yesterday you said Yes to the same question!” This ever-changing nature can confuse and frighten some men. The truth is that the feminine is much more present in the moment than the masculine. She is a state of energy in motion and as such, her Yes’s and No’s may change in each moment. But this doesn’t make them any less true. When her tide is coming in – it’s a Yes. When it’s going out, it’s a No. Men: we may true to stand in the way of this tidal flow...but I wouldn’t recommend it. The oceanic state of the feminine will do whatever is right for her in each moment.
Too often this changeability is too much for a smaller man to handle. When a woman is in her full flow, she is in her power. This scares some men, so they try to limit her. Men who are not in their full masculine will often try to block, dam or channel the feminine into some path, some lesser flow that suits them and feels less threatening. If a woman allows this she allows an essential part of herself to be reduced and her power fades in that moment.
Women & Boundaries
Sometimes a woman may be disconnected from her feminine flow. This may be because she does not have a strong sense of herself, a sense of who she is as a fully powerful, mature woman. This unclear sense of self is sadly very frequent and is especially true of those who have experienced sexual abuse, particularly in childhood. This can manifest as having unclear boundaries, particularly around their sexuality.
A woman must be clear about her Yes’s and No’s, otherwise she can too easily find herself in situations, especially sexually, where she is behaving in ways which her body, heart or emotions do not want. Since Western society prizes the mind above all things it ignores feelings, intuition and the body.
This disconnect from the body, coupled with unclear sense of boundaries can lead people (and in this society women are doubly susceptible) into situations which they later regret or may even sometimes be unsafe. Men can be very good at exerting pressure on women to perform sexual acts which they may not feel comfortable doing but don’t feel able to say no to. So, learning our own personal boundaries is essential to having healthy interactions with others, even if it is just a brief sexual encounter.
The Water & the Ice Tray
Sometimes women without a clear sense of self look to others to create it for them. Again this is often true sexually. A woman lacking her own sense of self and being unclear about her boundaries may look to her partner to create them for her.
In this situation I see the woman in her natural state a fluid, she is water, flowing and changing. But being unclear of her own boundaries she pours herself into the container created by the masculine. If this is an unhealthy exchange the man may seek to limit her. The image I use for this is of water being poured into an ice cube tray. The feminine is in her flow, but being unclear of boundaries looks to the man to provide them. Instead of giving her freedom, he pours her into a container which he defines himself – the ice cube tray. Allowing herself to become limited by the man, she becomes frozen. She is no longer in her own flow but she is so relieved to have some sense of boundaries that she accepts this static, frozen position. But the limits are not set by her, but my the man. She has given away her power. The man is controlling her, but in limiting her he denies both himself and her the joy of experiencing a woman in her full power and the beauty of a woman in her flow.
The Wine & the Wine Glass
However, it is true that in order for the feminine to fully be in her flow, she needs to feel safely contained. A woman will hold herself up until she feels able to relax into her flow with a man who creates a safe enough container for her. But men: this does not mean limiting the woman.
For a healthier analogy of the masculine creating a safe container for feminine I like to think of a wine glass. The masculine is the wine glass, creating a safe environment for the woman. It is solid, has a firm base and can hold whatever the woman brings.
The woman, of course, is the wine. Poured into the glass, she retains her fluid state but is safely held. To savour a really good wine you must allow it to breathe. A fine wine must be given the freedom to move in the glass so that all its richness and subtleties can shine forth. To bring out the flavour of a good wine you do not stopper it, the wine glass has no lid on it. The feminine can move within the glass, in a swirl of her own richness. She has space to breathe and in doing so will release the subtle delights which only a woman can offer.
So, although a woman needs a safe container to feel free enough to move, she is not to stopped up or frozen, otherwise she will lose her essential fluidity and disconnect from her feminine. Like a fine wine, a woman should never be frozen or limited.
Monday, 3 May 2010
Love or Fear?
Expansion & Contraction
One of the meanings of tantra is “expansion”. In tantra we can say that everything is either expanding, or contracting. This is true for us as human beings. On a physical level we are usually either breathing in or breathing out – our chests (and bellies if we breathe more fully) expand or contract with each breath. In fact all living creatures follow a similar process of expansion and contraction. Respiration is one of the five core criteria which make up the scientific definition of life itself. Others include nutrition and excretion; both of which are also a form of expansion and contraction (the others are movement and reproduction in case you were looking for the full set). So every living creature from single celled organism to human and other large animals engages in this continual cycle of expansion and contraction.
However, it’s not just all living things which follow this pattern. At a cosmic level we can also observe this phenomenon of expansion and contraction. Galaxies expand and then finally collapse, contracting into black holes. Physicists tell us that the Universe itself is currently expanding. However at some point it will cease its massive expansive phase and begin to contract again until possible creating the ultimate black hole consisting of the entire universe.
Love or Fear?
On a more human level we are also expanding and contracting on an emotional level as well as a physical one. There are many motives which can govern our actions, but ultimately we could say that all of these may be reduced to a simple binary choice. Do we act out of Love or Fear? Consider each action that you take. Consider, at a deeper level, what drives your action. There is always choice. If we act from a place of Love then this will be Love at a higher level. Love itself is non-egoic. It does not serve the self alone, but your higher Self, which is connected to the divine. An action motivated by Love is expansive. If you act with Love you may feel a sense of your heart expanding. You may feel as though you are radiating Love and energy in all directions. Since Love is non-egoic, it serves not only yourself but also others. It serves to expand our sense of self beyond our own boundaries, to include others into it. This is the expansion which comes from Love.
The Use of Fear
Fear usually acts to protect the ego. Our natural state is to be expansive but life and experience teach us that it’s not always safe to be totally open and expanded. As children we have learnt that certain behaviours or parts of ourselves are not welcomed by our parents, teachers and other early care givers. So we hide them and learn to protect against showing them, either because they were not acceptable or not seen when we presented them as children. So we develop protective armouring which keeps these parts of ourselves hidden most of the time. This armouring is useful because it protects the vulnerable parts of us from attack. At the time that we developed the armour it was necessary to keep us safe –even essential, one could argue, for our survival.
It may be that this armour still serves a purpose in our lives but most likely we have outgrown it and it has outlived its usefulness. If this is so, we may find ourselves clinging onto it for security and this can cause us to react out of fear, contracting back behind our shields. I’m not saying armour is wrong; simply that it may no longer serve us. If you become aware of acting from a place of fear, take a look at your armour and see if you used it in that moment.
Love /F ear Exercise
This is a beautiful exercise to do with a partner or even just a friend. Sit opposite each other and gently look into each others’ eyes. It’s not a staring competition, blink if you need to. Just allow your gaze to rest in theirs. Allow yourself to see the other and, just as importantly, allow yourself to be seen by the other. Become aware of your breathing, allow it to soften and relax into meeting each other through the eyes.
After a few moments of settling into this position, begin to note inside yourself whether you are feeling expansion or contraction. Then speak out loud the corresponding word – either “Love” or “Fear”. Each continues to speak one of those words in each moment, maintaining eye contact all the while. Note how you respond to the others’ “Love” and “Fear” responses. Note if you get into a “Love” cycle – one of you expressing Love and then finding the other reacting to this with Love – or a “Fear” cycle – meeting Fear with Fear. If it’s a Fear cycle see how you can break it. Find the place within yourself which still holds Love in spite of the Fear you are experiencing and see if you can speak from that place and change the dynamic between you. If you’re in relationship with the other, see if this mirrors a dynamic in your relationship and see if you could find a way of doing things differently.
Where possible, I believe in making things as simple as possible and sometimes bringing life down to the binary choice of Love or Fear can serve to highlight where our actions come from. Of course we aren’t always going to be aware of this but it’s useful to hold onto this concept as you go through life. If you keep practising your awareness of the actions of Love or Fear you will become better at it and be more able to make choices which stem from Love than Fear.
One of the meanings of tantra is “expansion”. In tantra we can say that everything is either expanding, or contracting. This is true for us as human beings. On a physical level we are usually either breathing in or breathing out – our chests (and bellies if we breathe more fully) expand or contract with each breath. In fact all living creatures follow a similar process of expansion and contraction. Respiration is one of the five core criteria which make up the scientific definition of life itself. Others include nutrition and excretion; both of which are also a form of expansion and contraction (the others are movement and reproduction in case you were looking for the full set). So every living creature from single celled organism to human and other large animals engages in this continual cycle of expansion and contraction.
However, it’s not just all living things which follow this pattern. At a cosmic level we can also observe this phenomenon of expansion and contraction. Galaxies expand and then finally collapse, contracting into black holes. Physicists tell us that the Universe itself is currently expanding. However at some point it will cease its massive expansive phase and begin to contract again until possible creating the ultimate black hole consisting of the entire universe.
Love or Fear?
On a more human level we are also expanding and contracting on an emotional level as well as a physical one. There are many motives which can govern our actions, but ultimately we could say that all of these may be reduced to a simple binary choice. Do we act out of Love or Fear? Consider each action that you take. Consider, at a deeper level, what drives your action. There is always choice. If we act from a place of Love then this will be Love at a higher level. Love itself is non-egoic. It does not serve the self alone, but your higher Self, which is connected to the divine. An action motivated by Love is expansive. If you act with Love you may feel a sense of your heart expanding. You may feel as though you are radiating Love and energy in all directions. Since Love is non-egoic, it serves not only yourself but also others. It serves to expand our sense of self beyond our own boundaries, to include others into it. This is the expansion which comes from Love.
The Use of Fear
Fear usually acts to protect the ego. Our natural state is to be expansive but life and experience teach us that it’s not always safe to be totally open and expanded. As children we have learnt that certain behaviours or parts of ourselves are not welcomed by our parents, teachers and other early care givers. So we hide them and learn to protect against showing them, either because they were not acceptable or not seen when we presented them as children. So we develop protective armouring which keeps these parts of ourselves hidden most of the time. This armouring is useful because it protects the vulnerable parts of us from attack. At the time that we developed the armour it was necessary to keep us safe –even essential, one could argue, for our survival.
It may be that this armour still serves a purpose in our lives but most likely we have outgrown it and it has outlived its usefulness. If this is so, we may find ourselves clinging onto it for security and this can cause us to react out of fear, contracting back behind our shields. I’m not saying armour is wrong; simply that it may no longer serve us. If you become aware of acting from a place of fear, take a look at your armour and see if you used it in that moment.
Love /F ear Exercise
This is a beautiful exercise to do with a partner or even just a friend. Sit opposite each other and gently look into each others’ eyes. It’s not a staring competition, blink if you need to. Just allow your gaze to rest in theirs. Allow yourself to see the other and, just as importantly, allow yourself to be seen by the other. Become aware of your breathing, allow it to soften and relax into meeting each other through the eyes.
After a few moments of settling into this position, begin to note inside yourself whether you are feeling expansion or contraction. Then speak out loud the corresponding word – either “Love” or “Fear”. Each continues to speak one of those words in each moment, maintaining eye contact all the while. Note how you respond to the others’ “Love” and “Fear” responses. Note if you get into a “Love” cycle – one of you expressing Love and then finding the other reacting to this with Love – or a “Fear” cycle – meeting Fear with Fear. If it’s a Fear cycle see how you can break it. Find the place within yourself which still holds Love in spite of the Fear you are experiencing and see if you can speak from that place and change the dynamic between you. If you’re in relationship with the other, see if this mirrors a dynamic in your relationship and see if you could find a way of doing things differently.
Where possible, I believe in making things as simple as possible and sometimes bringing life down to the binary choice of Love or Fear can serve to highlight where our actions come from. Of course we aren’t always going to be aware of this but it’s useful to hold onto this concept as you go through life. If you keep practising your awareness of the actions of Love or Fear you will become better at it and be more able to make choices which stem from Love than Fear.
Friday, 30 April 2010
BDSM & the Healing of Sexual Abuse
First of all let me say that I am not an expert on the subject of BDSM. It’s not a scene that I know much about so please forgive me if I don’t use correct terms or show a full understanding of the scene. What I do know something about is the relationship between BDSM & sexual abuse. I’m also aware that an article of a couple of thousand words on this subject doesn’t begin to touch the sides of what we could discuss, but I offer it as some initial thoughts and welcome feedback and discussion.
It seems to me that many BDSM rituals are around the different aspects of power and control. There is the obvious role play of the dominant and the submissive partners, whejavascript:void(0)re one appears to have power over the other. In fact it is the submissive who actually wields the power in this relationship. It is they who determine what actions are permissible and, often through the use of a code word, when the play should stop.
This role reversal is often a conscious or more often unconscious way for those who have experienced disempowerment through sexuality to re-assert their control and dominance of another.
Re-writing the Script
This is nowhere more true than for those who have experienced sexual abuse, especially in childhood. If one has experienced abuse in childhood, there can be a very strong memory/experience/feeling of powerlessness. When the abuser is older/bigger/stronger than the abused, which is usually the case (the use of sexual control through manipulation is another matter), then the abused has lost control of their environment. They have no power, they have probably experienced physical pain and even a sense that their life is in danger. By playing out submissive fantasies, the abuse survivor can re-play the experience of sexuality but with a sense of control, despite the apparent surrender of control to the dominator. At one level the abused/submissive is looking here to re-write their experience. In the past they had experienced sexual disempowerment and now they are looking to re-write their script with a different outcome – one which will stop the feeling of loss of control. By stepping into the submissive role but actually maintaining control over the environment, through code words and agreements set in place with the dominator before the play begins, they re-exert their power over the other.
Sex & Punishment
Another aspect of the submissive is the association between pleasure and pain. The abuse survivor may not be able to allow themselves fully to enjoy truly the profound sensual pleasure of their sexuality. This can be because the abuser may have appeared to enjoy themselves during the act of abusing the other. Therefore, at an unconscious level, the abuse survivor may associate sexual pleasure with being an abuser. To allow themselves really to take pleasure in their sexuality, the abuse survivor would have to identify with the abuser – not something they would easily or willingly want to do. So, since the body’s natural urge is to have and enjoy its own sexuality, the abuse survivor may find a mode of expressing their sexuality in a way which is also punitive. “I’m enjoying sex, so I need to be punished for it”. This is a distortion of our physical and spiritual truth. The pleasure of our sexuality is our birthright. We wouldn’t be here but for sex and it is a profound part of our divine nature as well as of our physical needs.
Re-experiencing sexual abuse through playing out BDSM fantasies can actually re-traumatise the abuse survivor. Another aspect of punishment is that of self-rejection and guilt. The survivor may feel that they somehow invited the experience and so need to be punished for this. Coupling this with the low self-esteem and rejection of self which so often are the result of sexual abuse is a powerful but destructive combination.
Abuse & Rage
Typically when someone has been abused there is enormous, sometimes consuming and entirely justifiable rage within them. During the abuse the natural response of the abused may have been to resist, to fight back or cry out. But this is usually stifled, suppressed through threat, intimidation or physical power of the abuser. So instead of expressing the natural rage at such a terrible experience, the abuse survivor learns to suppress it within themselves. Any aspect of ourselves which is suppressed doesn’t go away. It simply leaks out in other, usually inappropriate ways. If we have trouble expressing anger, it will often build up until it explodes over some small incident leaving the recipient stunned by the severity of our reaction.
Pain & Pleasure
The experience of pain in a submissive role play can be stimulating. This pleasure can come from the sense of contraction which bondage and other role plays can stimulate. It is the generation of energy through restriction. It is one way for an abuse survivor to “be forced to” experience pleasure, which, as discussed earlier, can mean identifying with the abuser. However, this excitation is localised, usually in the genitals and is not a full experience of sexual, sensual expansiveness. In some situations the abuse can also be, in part, pleasurable. This can create a sense of guilt and a powerful conflict of emotions in the survivor. The body and psyche can become confused by this conflict. So the survivor may be trying to “learn to enjoy” the experience of pain.
However, this desire to experience pain can mask a deeper need by the abuse survivor. If their rage is suppressed it will take a lot for it to rise to the surface. Being forced to experience pain may illicit an anger response in the survivor. This may look like a desire by the recipient to turn their rage on the person giving the pain. Often this rage is expressed as a desire to bite the pain giver, to tear them apart, sometimes to burn them. If the person administering the pain is strong enough they may be able and willing to allow the survivor to turn the tables and physically act out some of these needs. This can be part of the re-writing of the script which the survivor so desperately craves: to turn their rage on the abuser and reassert their physical power of them.
But there is another way to allow the survivor to release their rage. Encouraging the survivor to get in touch with their rage and bearing witness to it. The person who was previously giving the pain must have the strength to stand in the face of the terrible, overwhelming rage which may arise in the survivor. In being seen in this way, the survivor is given permission to acknowledge their own rage without shame or needing to suppress it. This is an enormously healing experience.
Ground rules of BDSM
There is a fine line between using BDSM to re-experience trauma and using it to heal, but however you use BDSM there are some essential rules to follow.
Firstly, BDSM, like most sex, can be a loving, intentional act or it can be abusive and objectifying. Whatever sexual activity you engage in make sure that there is an element of Love to it. If Love is present, then there is the essential I/Thou relationship, that is the sense that the other is another human being with emotions, sensitivities and feelings which need to be respected and honoured. Once we lose this connection with Love the I/Thou relationship can quickly become an I/It relationship. This is the objectification of the other. They become an object there to simply serve our desires, no matter what their personal needs may be.
Finally, any BDSM play that you engage in should respect the following criteria. It should be Safe, Sane and Consensual. So go into the fullness of your whole sexuality, explore and enjoy, but be aware.
© Mike Lousada
Sacred Sexual Healer
www.heartdaka.com
It seems to me that many BDSM rituals are around the different aspects of power and control. There is the obvious role play of the dominant and the submissive partners, whejavascript:void(0)re one appears to have power over the other. In fact it is the submissive who actually wields the power in this relationship. It is they who determine what actions are permissible and, often through the use of a code word, when the play should stop.
This role reversal is often a conscious or more often unconscious way for those who have experienced disempowerment through sexuality to re-assert their control and dominance of another.
Re-writing the Script
This is nowhere more true than for those who have experienced sexual abuse, especially in childhood. If one has experienced abuse in childhood, there can be a very strong memory/experience/feeling of powerlessness. When the abuser is older/bigger/stronger than the abused, which is usually the case (the use of sexual control through manipulation is another matter), then the abused has lost control of their environment. They have no power, they have probably experienced physical pain and even a sense that their life is in danger. By playing out submissive fantasies, the abuse survivor can re-play the experience of sexuality but with a sense of control, despite the apparent surrender of control to the dominator. At one level the abused/submissive is looking here to re-write their experience. In the past they had experienced sexual disempowerment and now they are looking to re-write their script with a different outcome – one which will stop the feeling of loss of control. By stepping into the submissive role but actually maintaining control over the environment, through code words and agreements set in place with the dominator before the play begins, they re-exert their power over the other.
Sex & Punishment
Another aspect of the submissive is the association between pleasure and pain. The abuse survivor may not be able to allow themselves fully to enjoy truly the profound sensual pleasure of their sexuality. This can be because the abuser may have appeared to enjoy themselves during the act of abusing the other. Therefore, at an unconscious level, the abuse survivor may associate sexual pleasure with being an abuser. To allow themselves really to take pleasure in their sexuality, the abuse survivor would have to identify with the abuser – not something they would easily or willingly want to do. So, since the body’s natural urge is to have and enjoy its own sexuality, the abuse survivor may find a mode of expressing their sexuality in a way which is also punitive. “I’m enjoying sex, so I need to be punished for it”. This is a distortion of our physical and spiritual truth. The pleasure of our sexuality is our birthright. We wouldn’t be here but for sex and it is a profound part of our divine nature as well as of our physical needs.
Re-experiencing sexual abuse through playing out BDSM fantasies can actually re-traumatise the abuse survivor. Another aspect of punishment is that of self-rejection and guilt. The survivor may feel that they somehow invited the experience and so need to be punished for this. Coupling this with the low self-esteem and rejection of self which so often are the result of sexual abuse is a powerful but destructive combination.
Abuse & Rage
Typically when someone has been abused there is enormous, sometimes consuming and entirely justifiable rage within them. During the abuse the natural response of the abused may have been to resist, to fight back or cry out. But this is usually stifled, suppressed through threat, intimidation or physical power of the abuser. So instead of expressing the natural rage at such a terrible experience, the abuse survivor learns to suppress it within themselves. Any aspect of ourselves which is suppressed doesn’t go away. It simply leaks out in other, usually inappropriate ways. If we have trouble expressing anger, it will often build up until it explodes over some small incident leaving the recipient stunned by the severity of our reaction.
Pain & Pleasure
The experience of pain in a submissive role play can be stimulating. This pleasure can come from the sense of contraction which bondage and other role plays can stimulate. It is the generation of energy through restriction. It is one way for an abuse survivor to “be forced to” experience pleasure, which, as discussed earlier, can mean identifying with the abuser. However, this excitation is localised, usually in the genitals and is not a full experience of sexual, sensual expansiveness. In some situations the abuse can also be, in part, pleasurable. This can create a sense of guilt and a powerful conflict of emotions in the survivor. The body and psyche can become confused by this conflict. So the survivor may be trying to “learn to enjoy” the experience of pain.
However, this desire to experience pain can mask a deeper need by the abuse survivor. If their rage is suppressed it will take a lot for it to rise to the surface. Being forced to experience pain may illicit an anger response in the survivor. This may look like a desire by the recipient to turn their rage on the person giving the pain. Often this rage is expressed as a desire to bite the pain giver, to tear them apart, sometimes to burn them. If the person administering the pain is strong enough they may be able and willing to allow the survivor to turn the tables and physically act out some of these needs. This can be part of the re-writing of the script which the survivor so desperately craves: to turn their rage on the abuser and reassert their physical power of them.
But there is another way to allow the survivor to release their rage. Encouraging the survivor to get in touch with their rage and bearing witness to it. The person who was previously giving the pain must have the strength to stand in the face of the terrible, overwhelming rage which may arise in the survivor. In being seen in this way, the survivor is given permission to acknowledge their own rage without shame or needing to suppress it. This is an enormously healing experience.
Ground rules of BDSM
There is a fine line between using BDSM to re-experience trauma and using it to heal, but however you use BDSM there are some essential rules to follow.
Firstly, BDSM, like most sex, can be a loving, intentional act or it can be abusive and objectifying. Whatever sexual activity you engage in make sure that there is an element of Love to it. If Love is present, then there is the essential I/Thou relationship, that is the sense that the other is another human being with emotions, sensitivities and feelings which need to be respected and honoured. Once we lose this connection with Love the I/Thou relationship can quickly become an I/It relationship. This is the objectification of the other. They become an object there to simply serve our desires, no matter what their personal needs may be.
Finally, any BDSM play that you engage in should respect the following criteria. It should be Safe, Sane and Consensual. So go into the fullness of your whole sexuality, explore and enjoy, but be aware.
© Mike Lousada
Sacred Sexual Healer
www.heartdaka.com
Wednesday, 28 April 2010
FOR HER & HIM: Lower Your Centre of Gravity
Following on from my recent blog on the feminine belly, here are some further thoughts expanding on this (see my blog 23rd April 201 “Love Her Belly!”).
Men & their Bellies
The masculine belly also needs to be fully expressed. Constriction of the musculature around the navel and at the top of the pelvis is the cause of the pot belly which so many men sport these days. If you breathe fully into the belly and soften the muscles, the shape of the belly will change (sorry guys, this isn’t a cure for drinking too much beer or eating too much, but it’ll help you redevelop a healthier shape for your stomach)as well as reconnect you with some energies in your lower chakras which you’ve probably been blocking.
The constricted belly is also another sign of the disconnection between man and nature. Western philosophy has stressed the important of logic and of the mind. Most of what we cherish in the Western world is a product of either the mind or the hands. This focus on the upper parts of the body raises the energetic centre of gravity of the body. Whilst this has some obvious benefits, the downside is that this raising of the centre of gravity disconnects us from our lower body. The effects of this are disastrous. It encourages a disconnection from our sex and sexuality (as discussed previously – see blog of 23rd April “Love Her Belly!”), a disconnection between head and belly/genitals and between heart and genitals/sex. This disconnect between heart and genitals is responsible for much of the distorted imagery of sexuality that we hold in our society, which tends to objectify sex and especially women in a sexual context. If our sexuality is expressed in connection with our heart, there can be no objectification. With this connection re-established much of the abuse and disrespect which our society experiences would cease. This is one reason that I am so passionate about this work . I believe that in doing our own sexual healing, we not only heal our own wounds but also the wounds around sexuality of the collective unconscious.
The Importance of Grounding
This societal focus on the mind and hands also disconnects us from our feet. This leads to a lack of grounding. Many people in the “spiritual” community can tend to be very much up and out of their bodies a lot of the time. They can tend to give attention to the spiritual but not the temporal. We exist in our bodies. A philosophy which tends to deny this, as many Eastern philosophies do by encouraging us to transcend the body, denies an essential part of our humanity. We may be “spiritual beings having a human experience” – but a big part of that experience is about being in our bodies. Any denial of this creates an unhealthy disconnect between mind and body. This is what Ken Wilbur refers to as the Centaur stage. The centaur is the mythical beast part horse, part man. We can often operate as two different entities – spiritual and physical, ignoring the needs of one or the other. But body and spirit both have needs and ignoring them will lead eventually to one form of existential crisis or another.
Man & Nature
One of the more drastic consequences of this identification with the mind and upper body is that we lose our sense of groundedness. This is not only unhealthy for ourselves but also for our environment at large. Not feeling our connection with the earth disconnects us from our feet, our roots and ultimately from nature itself. Maybe this has been exacerbated in part by the Judaeo-Christian philosophy as expressed in Genesis: “Then God said, "Let us make man in our image, after our likeness; and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the birds of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creeps upon the earth."” This sense of having “dominion over” the other animals seems to set man “above” the animals. As soon as you create a two tiered structure you create a “superior” and an “inferior”. This sense of superiority can so easily lead to an objectification of that which is held to be inferior.
So, I encourage you all to bring your awareness down into our bodies, reconnect to your lower chakras, to your feet and to the earth itself, which ultimately supports us all, both physically and nutritionally. In the end even man made things come from the earth. Plastics are made from hydrocarbons which use oil based chemicals which come from plant matter millions of years old. Apart from the odd lump of meteorite there is nothing on the earth which is not from the earth. Anything which thus disconnects us from our sense of connection to it disconnects us from ourselves at a very core level.
A Simple Exercise
Stand with your feet about 8-10 inches apart. Allow your knees to soften and gently bend slightly. Make sure your feet are parallel to one another and bring your weight forward a little so that without lifting your heels off the floor, you are putting most of your weight on the balls of your feet. Now slowly and softly bend the knees and then straighten half a dozen times.
As you do this, breathing softly through an open mouth, breathing down into your belly, then lower down – into your genitals and finally breathe down into your feet and into the earth beneath you. Feel a sense of your connectedness to the earth, imagine your centre of gravity dropping lower in your body so that you are really present, grounded and have a “weightiness” that feels solid and sturdy.
Doing this exercise regularly or when you feel “light-headed” or stressed will help to bring you back down and give you a feeling of security and solidity which is much needed to balance the spiritual. Only once we have a strong sense of our physical self and a knowing that we are grounded in this earth can we truly experience in a full and healthy way the delights of the spiritual.
© Mike Lousada
Sacred Sexual Healer
www.heartdaka.com
Men & their Bellies
The masculine belly also needs to be fully expressed. Constriction of the musculature around the navel and at the top of the pelvis is the cause of the pot belly which so many men sport these days. If you breathe fully into the belly and soften the muscles, the shape of the belly will change (sorry guys, this isn’t a cure for drinking too much beer or eating too much, but it’ll help you redevelop a healthier shape for your stomach)as well as reconnect you with some energies in your lower chakras which you’ve probably been blocking.
The constricted belly is also another sign of the disconnection between man and nature. Western philosophy has stressed the important of logic and of the mind. Most of what we cherish in the Western world is a product of either the mind or the hands. This focus on the upper parts of the body raises the energetic centre of gravity of the body. Whilst this has some obvious benefits, the downside is that this raising of the centre of gravity disconnects us from our lower body. The effects of this are disastrous. It encourages a disconnection from our sex and sexuality (as discussed previously – see blog of 23rd April “Love Her Belly!”), a disconnection between head and belly/genitals and between heart and genitals/sex. This disconnect between heart and genitals is responsible for much of the distorted imagery of sexuality that we hold in our society, which tends to objectify sex and especially women in a sexual context. If our sexuality is expressed in connection with our heart, there can be no objectification. With this connection re-established much of the abuse and disrespect which our society experiences would cease. This is one reason that I am so passionate about this work . I believe that in doing our own sexual healing, we not only heal our own wounds but also the wounds around sexuality of the collective unconscious.
The Importance of Grounding
This societal focus on the mind and hands also disconnects us from our feet. This leads to a lack of grounding. Many people in the “spiritual” community can tend to be very much up and out of their bodies a lot of the time. They can tend to give attention to the spiritual but not the temporal. We exist in our bodies. A philosophy which tends to deny this, as many Eastern philosophies do by encouraging us to transcend the body, denies an essential part of our humanity. We may be “spiritual beings having a human experience” – but a big part of that experience is about being in our bodies. Any denial of this creates an unhealthy disconnect between mind and body. This is what Ken Wilbur refers to as the Centaur stage. The centaur is the mythical beast part horse, part man. We can often operate as two different entities – spiritual and physical, ignoring the needs of one or the other. But body and spirit both have needs and ignoring them will lead eventually to one form of existential crisis or another.
Man & Nature
One of the more drastic consequences of this identification with the mind and upper body is that we lose our sense of groundedness. This is not only unhealthy for ourselves but also for our environment at large. Not feeling our connection with the earth disconnects us from our feet, our roots and ultimately from nature itself. Maybe this has been exacerbated in part by the Judaeo-Christian philosophy as expressed in Genesis: “Then God said, "Let us make man in our image, after our likeness; and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the birds of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creeps upon the earth."” This sense of having “dominion over” the other animals seems to set man “above” the animals. As soon as you create a two tiered structure you create a “superior” and an “inferior”. This sense of superiority can so easily lead to an objectification of that which is held to be inferior.
So, I encourage you all to bring your awareness down into our bodies, reconnect to your lower chakras, to your feet and to the earth itself, which ultimately supports us all, both physically and nutritionally. In the end even man made things come from the earth. Plastics are made from hydrocarbons which use oil based chemicals which come from plant matter millions of years old. Apart from the odd lump of meteorite there is nothing on the earth which is not from the earth. Anything which thus disconnects us from our sense of connection to it disconnects us from ourselves at a very core level.
A Simple Exercise
Stand with your feet about 8-10 inches apart. Allow your knees to soften and gently bend slightly. Make sure your feet are parallel to one another and bring your weight forward a little so that without lifting your heels off the floor, you are putting most of your weight on the balls of your feet. Now slowly and softly bend the knees and then straighten half a dozen times.
As you do this, breathing softly through an open mouth, breathing down into your belly, then lower down – into your genitals and finally breathe down into your feet and into the earth beneath you. Feel a sense of your connectedness to the earth, imagine your centre of gravity dropping lower in your body so that you are really present, grounded and have a “weightiness” that feels solid and sturdy.
Doing this exercise regularly or when you feel “light-headed” or stressed will help to bring you back down and give you a feeling of security and solidity which is much needed to balance the spiritual. Only once we have a strong sense of our physical self and a knowing that we are grounded in this earth can we truly experience in a full and healthy way the delights of the spiritual.
© Mike Lousada
Sacred Sexual Healer
www.heartdaka.com
Monday, 26 April 2010
FOR HIM & HER: Relationship as Gate-Keeper
Some relationships last a life time. Most, however, do not. The relationship is a mirror for where we are in our life and on our journey. If we can see relationship not as a statement about how the Other is but as a reflection of ourselves it can serve as an illuminating mirror to show us more about who we are at that time.
Every relationship is a lesson in love, sometimes a painful one. We may engage fully in love with the Other and then reach a point where the lesson is learnt and it is time to move on.
If you’re in relationship, look at your partner. Observe what attracts you to them. These are reflections of your own state of being right now. The wonderful things you see in your partner are also present in you. Now look at what stops them opening fully into love with you. These parts, too, are reflections of you. What part of yourself is stopping you from opening fully into love?
It may be that you have been lucky enough to find someone with whom you will spend the rest of your life. But, practically speaking, the chances are that you are in a relationship which will not endure. Don’t despair. I don’t mean to be negative, but to highlight how valuable these relationships can be if entered into with awareness.
Each person we attract into our lives in relationship (and that includes friendships and work relationships as well as intimate lovers) serves to show us something of ourselves. Each relationship is a lesson in love. In each relationship there is a psychic contract. Look at your relationship and ask yourself what is the lesson that you have (probably unconsciously) agreed to teach each other in this relationship. It may be that you have agreed to explore your sexuality more fully, or to test the trustability of a partner, learning along the way what behaviours bring you closer to this sense of trust, and which pull you away from it. Whatever the lesson, become aware of it and work to honour it in relationship.
If a relationship has run its course, and the lesson is learnt, its’ time to move on. If it no longer honours who you are or have become, it’s time to move on. If it no longer serves your higher good, it’s time to move on.
Ideally each new relationship builds on the last. The lessons of the previous relationships are incorporated into the new one and additional ones learnt. From a developmental perspective, each level of development includes and transcends the previous one.
Sometimes relationships endure, most don’t. In many relationships the Other can serve as a Gate-Keeper. You meet them on your path. You walk together for a while, then part company, the relationship having naturally served its purpose and having reached a natural conclusion. If the Other is a Gate-Keeper for you, he or she will take you forward in some way. You will become expanded, learning new lessons on your way and in learning these lessons, new possibilities arise. You will see new ways of being. The Other can show you this gateway which opens to a wonderful new world of possibility. But the Other cannot always walk with you into this new place. If they hold the key to the gate, that is if they show you this new way of being without being able to model it themselves, then they are a Gate-Keeper. Allow them to show you the way, but know that they cannot come with you through this gate. If this is the case, it may be that the relationship has served its purpose and it may no longer serve you to continue in it. Do not become angry with the Other for not being able to continue on your journey with you. Of course they can’t come with you; they are a Gate-Keeper, if they move on too they can no longer stand by the gate. So honour them for showing you the gate, bless them and move on, thanking them for their generosity.
In this way we can allow ourselves to move on from relationship and honour it, acknowledging the blessings that it brought us while still recognising that it was time to move on.
© Mike Lousada
Sacred Sexual Healer
www.heartdaka.com
Every relationship is a lesson in love, sometimes a painful one. We may engage fully in love with the Other and then reach a point where the lesson is learnt and it is time to move on.
If you’re in relationship, look at your partner. Observe what attracts you to them. These are reflections of your own state of being right now. The wonderful things you see in your partner are also present in you. Now look at what stops them opening fully into love with you. These parts, too, are reflections of you. What part of yourself is stopping you from opening fully into love?
It may be that you have been lucky enough to find someone with whom you will spend the rest of your life. But, practically speaking, the chances are that you are in a relationship which will not endure. Don’t despair. I don’t mean to be negative, but to highlight how valuable these relationships can be if entered into with awareness.
Each person we attract into our lives in relationship (and that includes friendships and work relationships as well as intimate lovers) serves to show us something of ourselves. Each relationship is a lesson in love. In each relationship there is a psychic contract. Look at your relationship and ask yourself what is the lesson that you have (probably unconsciously) agreed to teach each other in this relationship. It may be that you have agreed to explore your sexuality more fully, or to test the trustability of a partner, learning along the way what behaviours bring you closer to this sense of trust, and which pull you away from it. Whatever the lesson, become aware of it and work to honour it in relationship.
If a relationship has run its course, and the lesson is learnt, its’ time to move on. If it no longer honours who you are or have become, it’s time to move on. If it no longer serves your higher good, it’s time to move on.
Ideally each new relationship builds on the last. The lessons of the previous relationships are incorporated into the new one and additional ones learnt. From a developmental perspective, each level of development includes and transcends the previous one.
Sometimes relationships endure, most don’t. In many relationships the Other can serve as a Gate-Keeper. You meet them on your path. You walk together for a while, then part company, the relationship having naturally served its purpose and having reached a natural conclusion. If the Other is a Gate-Keeper for you, he or she will take you forward in some way. You will become expanded, learning new lessons on your way and in learning these lessons, new possibilities arise. You will see new ways of being. The Other can show you this gateway which opens to a wonderful new world of possibility. But the Other cannot always walk with you into this new place. If they hold the key to the gate, that is if they show you this new way of being without being able to model it themselves, then they are a Gate-Keeper. Allow them to show you the way, but know that they cannot come with you through this gate. If this is the case, it may be that the relationship has served its purpose and it may no longer serve you to continue in it. Do not become angry with the Other for not being able to continue on your journey with you. Of course they can’t come with you; they are a Gate-Keeper, if they move on too they can no longer stand by the gate. So honour them for showing you the gate, bless them and move on, thanking them for their generosity.
In this way we can allow ourselves to move on from relationship and honour it, acknowledging the blessings that it brought us while still recognising that it was time to move on.
© Mike Lousada
Sacred Sexual Healer
www.heartdaka.com
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