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Namaste,
Mike

The Chakra Model of Human Needs

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The Importance of Needs
Most of us grew up being given messages like “don’t be so selfish”, or “I want doesn’t get”. Actually this is far from a healthy truth. We all have needs which come from different aspects of ourselves and it is very important that these needs are met. In fact it is only when our own needs are met that we can truly support meeting the needs of others. The more our own needs are met, the more able we are to support others to do the same. Think of the analogy of the oxygen masks in the aeroplane “please fit your own mask before helping others”. Most of us accept this as sensible advice but don’t apply this thinking to our own needs, often making our needs less important than those of others.

There are many ways of exploring what our needs are and many models awe can apply to help us understand them. Abraham Maslow defined an interesting set in his “Hierarchy of Needs”. Starting with Biological and Physiological Needs such as food, sex and shelter and ascending through the different levels of Safety, Belonging & Love, Esteem and finally reaching Self-actualisation., he defines a set of principles which categorise human needs. His belief was that basic human needs like food, sleep and warmth need to be met before “higher” needs such as affection and personal growth can be addressed.

The Luxury of Emotion
There is much to be said for this. We are very privileged in this society that we live in a world where our basic needs are almost always met. Very few people reading this will be unable to feed or house themselves. This is not true for many people alive today in countries in the developing world. It seems to me that only once a society has developed sufficiently to a level where these basic physiological needs can readily be met that people are able to engage in the luxury of having feelings.

Our grandparents’ generation “survived perfectly without emotions”, as my grandmother used to tell me! Of course whilst this isn’t true, it may be said that historically when there was more risk of an early death from disease or less surety of regular food, etc. that emotions were a luxury which it may have been difficult for our ancestors to access as easily as we can today.

Chakra Model of Needs
Another model of needs is related to the chakras. We are beings who operate at many different levels. These can be defined by the chakra system. It makes sense to me then that our needs may also be linked to the corresponding chakras.

There is some overlap here between Maslow’s mode land the chakra model. Basic needs such as food, safety and a stable home environment could be said to relate to the base chakra. This chakra is also about grounding and connecting to the energy of mother earth. It is from here that our physiological needs must be met. Without a strong and stable base, it is much harder to have our other needs met.

Second Chakra
The second chakra relates to our sexuality, to creativity and to emotions. We have needs which must be met which relate to this chakra. The expression of sexuality, which Maslow puts under Biological and Physiological needs, is a core need of every human being. This does not mean that we must have sex, but that our being has a need for us to recognise and honour our sexuality. For example, I have a friend who is a nun, a mother superior, who is, of course, celibate but who acknowledges her sexuality and honours it without needing to act it out. For example she acknowledges that she finds certain men physically and sexually attractive, but she does not act on these feelings. Recognising these feelings and needs is the important part of this dynamic, not acting them out. It is the non-recognition of this part of ourselves which causes the distress. Denying and suppressing our sexuality will cause dis-function and even physical illness. But this does not mean that if you’re not having sex or choosing to be celibate that you are in denial, simply that you may not feel the need to act out in behaviour that part of yourself which you acknowledge to be a present and important part in your life.

Other second chakra aspects include creativity and emotion. We are all creative beings, even if we have received negative messages about our creative talents. It is only the limiting force of the ego which stops us from being beautifully, wonderfully, creatively expressive.

Similarly we are all emotional beings. Those of us who may be more mind identified (i.e. relate more easily to thoughts than feelings), still experience emotions but may suppress them. To be fulfilled we need to be able to express ourselves emotionally, sexually and creatively. These needs relate to the second chakra.

Third Chakra
The third chakra is the seat of our personal power, of our Will and our sense of self at an egoic level. If we don’t experience positive affirmation of ourselves as children, this sense of self can often be weakened and lead to unclear boundaries. This is no where more true than in sex. An unclear sense of self can lead to unclear thoughts about what is acceptable and what isn’t sexually. If the boundaries between what is OK for you personally and what isn’t are unclear, it is all too easy to find ones self in sexual situations which we may be uncomfortable with. These may be emotional unsafe experiences or they may even be physically unsafe. This is a common result of unclear boundaries borne of an unclear sense of self.

Working with clients as a sacred sexual healer, one of the most important things I do for women is to empower them to say “No”. Too often men persuade, bully, cajole and sometimes force women into situations about which they are not comfortable with. Being able to say No clearly and firmly comes from having a strong enough sense of self respect, and a firm enough Will. All this comes from having a good connection with our third chakra. The result of not having the needs of our solar plexus met can be physically and emotionally dangerous.

The needs of the third chakra are not just about boundaries but also about having a presence in the world and having that presence acknowledged by others. It is about the space you occupy in this life and having that recognised by others.

Fourth Chakra
The Heart is the next chakra. The needs of the heart are to love and be loved. This flow needs to be met both ways. Being loved is not enough. Loving another is not, alone, sufficient. For the needs of the heart to be met Love must flow both ways. And Love must be met. If Love is offered and not received, at a human level, its needs are not met. I am talking here about the personal qualities of Love, not the Transpersonal. The nature of Transpersonal Love is Unconditional Love. This is something which operates at another level to normal human love though we are all capable of experiencing it.

We could say that there are four elements to the needs of Love. Giving Love, Having that Love received, Being offered Love, receiving Love. In a situation between two people each person must both give and receive Love for it to flow fully and freely between them. Only in doing so are the full needs of human Love met.

Fifth Chakra
The fifth chakra resides in the throat. This is the seat of expression, vocalisation and truth. The needs of the fifth chakra are around communication. It is important to express your feelings and to state clearly your truth. The expression of personal truth will come from either Love or Will. Statements of so called “positive” emotions come from the heart and are the expression of Love. Truth statements about what are sometimes called “negative” emotions (anger for example) or around boundaries come from the third chakra and are the expression of the Will. The important thing is that both are expressed through the throat chakra.

It is the active communication of these truths which is the significant part of these needs. There is little point in having clarity about our boundaries or in feeling deep love for another if we don’t communicate that to the other. It is the expression of empathy, for example, not simply empathy itself which matters in relationship.

Sixth Chakra
The Third Eye or Sixth Chakra is the seat of intuition and insight. Not listening to our intuition can lead us to put ourselves in situations which do not serve us and may endanger us. We are not opening ourselves to the full range of possibilities in our world if we do not listen to our intuition. Closing down to the possible through not meeting the needs of our sixth chakra limits us and cuts us off from the ability to expand, both personally and transpersonally.

Activating our intuition we have knowledge. This is knowledge as opposed to intellectual understanding, more than a rational construct. This knowledge gives us a trust in ourselves and our circumstances. It gives us trust in being at the right place at the right time, in making right decisions and following the right path.

With our intuition activated we make more of life because we make the most of opportunities and of lessons when they come to us. Your experience of life becomes fuller, more magical and you are more inclined to dive in and engage with it fully.

When you have trust, this leads you to the crown chakra.

Seventh Chakra
The needs of the crown chakra are both the most basic and the highest of our needs. This is to re-connect to the divine source that is both our origin and the essence of our being as we are today. Our transpersonal needs are as important as any of our other needs and to deny them leads to physiological disease just as much as unfulfilled needs from other chakras.

When your needs of the crown chakra are met you are aligned to your highest purpose. You are truly fulfilling yourself and your potential. When you realise that you are acting for your highest good, you start to see the greater good, the good for all, the connection with source.

Part of this connection with source could be a devotional practice. When you feel you have a higher goal which you are fulfilling, this may manifest as a feeling of harmony and a real sense of divine order and it will bring feelings of gratitude. This can be expressed as a devotional practice or a positive humanitarian attitude. Viktor Frankl in his book “From Death Camp to Existentialism” talks about prisoners in Auschwitz. He noticed that those who had a belief in a higher power or purpose were more likely to stay physically fit and thus to survive. He makes the link between having an awareness of connection with source and this giving one additional resources which helped them to survive the horrors of Auschwitz.

Needs and Relationship
In the same way that as individuals we have needs corresponding to each chakra, it is also true that we are most fulfilled when all these needs are met in us as individuals. An extension of this is that if we are in relationship, we are most fulfilled when the needs of each chakra are acknowledged and met by our partner. Too often the cause of broken relationships is because our needs are not met in relationship by the other. By creating awareness of our needs, expressing them clearly to or partner and having them met by the other, we have the opportunity to create a relationship which fulfils us completely by meeting us and seeing us at each level.

Of course not all relationships meet all of our needs and although this may be the ideal state of a relationship it is not always possible. What is important if our partner cannot meet all of our needs is that they acknowledge that we have these needs which come from each chakra and that it is our natural state to want to have them met. If a supportive partner is unable to meet your needs themselves, it is helpful if they can acknowledge that you have these needs and help to support you on getting them met through other means. This will lead to a feeling of being seen and honoured by your partner even if they can’t meet all your needs themselves. Of course the reverse is true in that your partner may want you to be willing to support their needs in a similar way.

In conclusion meeting our needs is one of the most important things that we can do. If we don’t acknowledge and take steps to meet these needs they become distorted and it is very easy to act out unhealthy behaviours which are distortions of our real needs. Alternatively we can become embittered, angry or even physically sick as a result of suppressing our needs. We put our own needs on hold at grave peril to our physical, emotional, mental and spiritual well-being.

The Shape of a Woman

Oceanic Bliss
The natural state of the feminine is to be in her flow. In her true state, she is oceanic bliss. So often they do not allow themselves to experience this blissful state of fluidity but when they do, they are deep, mysterious, ever-changing, sometimes dangerous, sometimes serene, powerful and changeable. At some point the tide will be coming in. This may be a woman’s “Yes!” At another time the tide will be going out. This may be the woman’s “No!”

We simple, much more linear men, can get very confused by this. “What do you mean – No? Yesterday you said Yes to the same question!” This ever-changing nature can confuse and frighten some men. The truth is that the feminine is much more present in the moment than the masculine. She is a state of energy in motion and as such, her Yes’s and No’s may change in each moment. But this doesn’t make them any less true. When her tide is coming in – it’s a Yes. When it’s going out, it’s a No. Men: we may true to stand in the way of this tidal flow...but I wouldn’t recommend it. The oceanic state of the feminine will do whatever is right for her in each moment.

Too often this changeability is too much for a smaller man to handle. When a woman is in her full flow, she is in her power. This scares some men, so they try to limit her. Men who are not in their full masculine will often try to block, dam or channel the feminine into some path, some lesser flow that suits them and feels less threatening. If a woman allows this she allows an essential part of herself to be reduced and her power fades in that moment.

Women & Boundaries
Sometimes a woman may be disconnected from her feminine flow. This may be because she does not have a strong sense of herself, a sense of who she is as a fully powerful, mature woman. This unclear sense of self is sadly very frequent and is especially true of those who have experienced sexual abuse, particularly in childhood. This can manifest as having unclear boundaries, particularly around their sexuality.

A woman must be clear about her Yes’s and No’s, otherwise she can too easily find herself in situations, especially sexually, where she is behaving in ways which her body, heart or emotions do not want. Since Western society prizes the mind above all things it ignores feelings, intuition and the body.

This disconnect from the body, coupled with unclear sense of boundaries can lead people (and in this society women are doubly susceptible) into situations which they later regret or may even sometimes be unsafe. Men can be very good at exerting pressure on women to perform sexual acts which they may not feel comfortable doing but don’t feel able to say no to. So, learning our own personal boundaries is essential to having healthy interactions with others, even if it is just a brief sexual encounter.

The Water & the Ice Tray
Sometimes women without a clear sense of self look to others to create it for them. Again this is often true sexually. A woman lacking her own sense of self and being unclear about her boundaries may look to her partner to create them for her.

In this situation I see the woman in her natural state a fluid, she is water, flowing and changing. But being unclear of her own boundaries she pours herself into the container created by the masculine. If this is an unhealthy exchange the man may seek to limit her. The image I use for this is of water being poured into an ice cube tray. The feminine is in her flow, but being unclear of boundaries looks to the man to provide them. Instead of giving her freedom, he pours her into a container which he defines himself – the ice cube tray. Allowing herself to become limited by the man, she becomes frozen. She is no longer in her own flow but she is so relieved to have some sense of boundaries that she accepts this static, frozen position. But the limits are not set by her, but my the man. She has given away her power. The man is controlling her, but in limiting her he denies both himself and her the joy of experiencing a woman in her full power and the beauty of a woman in her flow.

The Wine & the Wine Glass
However, it is true that in order for the feminine to fully be in her flow, she needs to feel safely contained. A woman will hold herself up until she feels able to relax into her flow with a man who creates a safe enough container for her. But men: this does not mean limiting the woman.

For a healthier analogy of the masculine creating a safe container for feminine I like to think of a wine glass. The masculine is the wine glass, creating a safe environment for the woman. It is solid, has a firm base and can hold whatever the woman brings.

The woman, of course, is the wine. Poured into the glass, she retains her fluid state but is safely held. To savour a really good wine you must allow it to breathe. A fine wine must be given the freedom to move in the glass so that all its richness and subtleties can shine forth. To bring out the flavour of a good wine you do not stopper it, the wine glass has no lid on it. The feminine can move within the glass, in a swirl of her own richness. She has space to breathe and in doing so will release the subtle delights which only a woman can offer.

So, although a woman needs a safe container to feel free enough to move, she is not to stopped up or frozen, otherwise she will lose her essential fluidity and disconnect from her feminine. Like a fine wine, a woman should never be frozen or limited.

Love or Fear?

Expansion & Contraction
One of the meanings of tantra is “expansion”. In tantra we can say that everything is either expanding, or contracting. This is true for us as human beings. On a physical level we are usually either breathing in or breathing out – our chests (and bellies if we breathe more fully) expand or contract with each breath. In fact all living creatures follow a similar process of expansion and contraction. Respiration is one of the five core criteria which make up the scientific definition of life itself. Others include nutrition and excretion; both of which are also a form of expansion and contraction (the others are movement and reproduction in case you were looking for the full set). So every living creature from single celled organism to human and other large animals engages in this continual cycle of expansion and contraction.

However, it’s not just all living things which follow this pattern. At a cosmic level we can also observe this phenomenon of expansion and contraction. Galaxies expand and then finally collapse, contracting into black holes. Physicists tell us that the Universe itself is currently expanding. However at some point it will cease its massive expansive phase and begin to contract again until possible creating the ultimate black hole consisting of the entire universe.

Love or Fear?
On a more human level we are also expanding and contracting on an emotional level as well as a physical one. There are many motives which can govern our actions, but ultimately we could say that all of these may be reduced to a simple binary choice. Do we act out of Love or Fear? Consider each action that you take. Consider, at a deeper level, what drives your action. There is always choice. If we act from a place of Love then this will be Love at a higher level. Love itself is non-egoic. It does not serve the self alone, but your higher Self, which is connected to the divine. An action motivated by Love is expansive. If you act with Love you may feel a sense of your heart expanding. You may feel as though you are radiating Love and energy in all directions. Since Love is non-egoic, it serves not only yourself but also others. It serves to expand our sense of self beyond our own boundaries, to include others into it. This is the expansion which comes from Love.

The Use of Fear
Fear usually acts to protect the ego. Our natural state is to be expansive but life and experience teach us that it’s not always safe to be totally open and expanded. As children we have learnt that certain behaviours or parts of ourselves are not welcomed by our parents, teachers and other early care givers. So we hide them and learn to protect against showing them, either because they were not acceptable or not seen when we presented them as children. So we develop protective armouring which keeps these parts of ourselves hidden most of the time. This armouring is useful because it protects the vulnerable parts of us from attack. At the time that we developed the armour it was necessary to keep us safe –even essential, one could argue, for our survival.

It may be that this armour still serves a purpose in our lives but most likely we have outgrown it and it has outlived its usefulness. If this is so, we may find ourselves clinging onto it for security and this can cause us to react out of fear, contracting back behind our shields. I’m not saying armour is wrong; simply that it may no longer serve us. If you become aware of acting from a place of fear, take a look at your armour and see if you used it in that moment.

Love /F ear Exercise
This is a beautiful exercise to do with a partner or even just a friend. Sit opposite each other and gently look into each others’ eyes. It’s not a staring competition, blink if you need to. Just allow your gaze to rest in theirs. Allow yourself to see the other and, just as importantly, allow yourself to be seen by the other. Become aware of your breathing, allow it to soften and relax into meeting each other through the eyes.

After a few moments of settling into this position, begin to note inside yourself whether you are feeling expansion or contraction. Then speak out loud the corresponding word – either “Love” or “Fear”. Each continues to speak one of those words in each moment, maintaining eye contact all the while. Note how you respond to the others’ “Love” and “Fear” responses. Note if you get into a “Love” cycle – one of you expressing Love and then finding the other reacting to this with Love – or a “Fear” cycle – meeting Fear with Fear. If it’s a Fear cycle see how you can break it. Find the place within yourself which still holds Love in spite of the Fear you are experiencing and see if you can speak from that place and change the dynamic between you. If you’re in relationship with the other, see if this mirrors a dynamic in your relationship and see if you could find a way of doing things differently.

Where possible, I believe in making things as simple as possible and sometimes bringing life down to the binary choice of Love or Fear can serve to highlight where our actions come from. Of course we aren’t always going to be aware of this but it’s useful to hold onto this concept as you go through life. If you keep practising your awareness of the actions of Love or Fear you will become better at it and be more able to make choices which stem from Love than Fear.

BDSM & the Healing of Sexual Abuse

First of all let me say that I am not an expert on the subject of BDSM. It’s not a scene that I know much about so please forgive me if I don’t use correct terms or show a full understanding of the scene. What I do know something about is the relationship between BDSM & sexual abuse. I’m also aware that an article of a couple of thousand words on this subject doesn’t begin to touch the sides of what we could discuss, but I offer it as some initial thoughts and welcome feedback and discussion.

It seems to me that many BDSM rituals are around the different aspects of power and control. There is the obvious role play of the dominant and the submissive partners, whejavascript:void(0)re one appears to have power over the other. In fact it is the submissive who actually wields the power in this relationship. It is they who determine what actions are permissible and, often through the use of a code word, when the play should stop.

This role reversal is often a conscious or more often unconscious way for those who have experienced disempowerment through sexuality to re-assert their control and dominance of another.

Re-writing the Script
This is nowhere more true than for those who have experienced sexual abuse, especially in childhood. If one has experienced abuse in childhood, there can be a very strong memory/experience/feeling of powerlessness. When the abuser is older/bigger/stronger than the abused, which is usually the case (the use of sexual control through manipulation is another matter), then the abused has lost control of their environment. They have no power, they have probably experienced physical pain and even a sense that their life is in danger. By playing out submissive fantasies, the abuse survivor can re-play the experience of sexuality but with a sense of control, despite the apparent surrender of control to the dominator. At one level the abused/submissive is looking here to re-write their experience. In the past they had experienced sexual disempowerment and now they are looking to re-write their script with a different outcome – one which will stop the feeling of loss of control. By stepping into the submissive role but actually maintaining control over the environment, through code words and agreements set in place with the dominator before the play begins, they re-exert their power over the other.

Sex & Punishment
Another aspect of the submissive is the association between pleasure and pain. The abuse survivor may not be able to allow themselves fully to enjoy truly the profound sensual pleasure of their sexuality. This can be because the abuser may have appeared to enjoy themselves during the act of abusing the other. Therefore, at an unconscious level, the abuse survivor may associate sexual pleasure with being an abuser. To allow themselves really to take pleasure in their sexuality, the abuse survivor would have to identify with the abuser – not something they would easily or willingly want to do. So, since the body’s natural urge is to have and enjoy its own sexuality, the abuse survivor may find a mode of expressing their sexuality in a way which is also punitive. “I’m enjoying sex, so I need to be punished for it”. This is a distortion of our physical and spiritual truth. The pleasure of our sexuality is our birthright. We wouldn’t be here but for sex and it is a profound part of our divine nature as well as of our physical needs.

Re-experiencing sexual abuse through playing out BDSM fantasies can actually re-traumatise the abuse survivor. Another aspect of punishment is that of self-rejection and guilt. The survivor may feel that they somehow invited the experience and so need to be punished for this. Coupling this with the low self-esteem and rejection of self which so often are the result of sexual abuse is a powerful but destructive combination.

Abuse & Rage
Typically when someone has been abused there is enormous, sometimes consuming and entirely justifiable rage within them. During the abuse the natural response of the abused may have been to resist, to fight back or cry out. But this is usually stifled, suppressed through threat, intimidation or physical power of the abuser. So instead of expressing the natural rage at such a terrible experience, the abuse survivor learns to suppress it within themselves. Any aspect of ourselves which is suppressed doesn’t go away. It simply leaks out in other, usually inappropriate ways. If we have trouble expressing anger, it will often build up until it explodes over some small incident leaving the recipient stunned by the severity of our reaction.

Pain & Pleasure
The experience of pain in a submissive role play can be stimulating. This pleasure can come from the sense of contraction which bondage and other role plays can stimulate. It is the generation of energy through restriction. It is one way for an abuse survivor to “be forced to” experience pleasure, which, as discussed earlier, can mean identifying with the abuser. However, this excitation is localised, usually in the genitals and is not a full experience of sexual, sensual expansiveness. In some situations the abuse can also be, in part, pleasurable. This can create a sense of guilt and a powerful conflict of emotions in the survivor. The body and psyche can become confused by this conflict. So the survivor may be trying to “learn to enjoy” the experience of pain.

However, this desire to experience pain can mask a deeper need by the abuse survivor. If their rage is suppressed it will take a lot for it to rise to the surface. Being forced to experience pain may illicit an anger response in the survivor. This may look like a desire by the recipient to turn their rage on the person giving the pain. Often this rage is expressed as a desire to bite the pain giver, to tear them apart, sometimes to burn them. If the person administering the pain is strong enough they may be able and willing to allow the survivor to turn the tables and physically act out some of these needs. This can be part of the re-writing of the script which the survivor so desperately craves: to turn their rage on the abuser and reassert their physical power of them.

But there is another way to allow the survivor to release their rage. Encouraging the survivor to get in touch with their rage and bearing witness to it. The person who was previously giving the pain must have the strength to stand in the face of the terrible, overwhelming rage which may arise in the survivor. In being seen in this way, the survivor is given permission to acknowledge their own rage without shame or needing to suppress it. This is an enormously healing experience.

Ground rules of BDSM
There is a fine line between using BDSM to re-experience trauma and using it to heal, but however you use BDSM there are some essential rules to follow.

Firstly, BDSM, like most sex, can be a loving, intentional act or it can be abusive and objectifying. Whatever sexual activity you engage in make sure that there is an element of Love to it. If Love is present, then there is the essential I/Thou relationship, that is the sense that the other is another human being with emotions, sensitivities and feelings which need to be respected and honoured. Once we lose this connection with Love the I/Thou relationship can quickly become an I/It relationship. This is the objectification of the other. They become an object there to simply serve our desires, no matter what their personal needs may be.

Finally, any BDSM play that you engage in should respect the following criteria. It should be Safe, Sane and Consensual. So go into the fullness of your whole sexuality, explore and enjoy, but be aware.


© Mike Lousada
Sacred Sexual Healer
www.heartdaka.com

FOR HER & HIM: Lower Your Centre of Gravity

Following on from my recent blog on the feminine belly, here are some further thoughts expanding on this (see my blog 23rd April 201 “Love Her Belly!”).

Men & their Bellies
The masculine belly also needs to be fully expressed. Constriction of the musculature around the navel and at the top of the pelvis is the cause of the pot belly which so many men sport these days. If you breathe fully into the belly and soften the muscles, the shape of the belly will change (sorry guys, this isn’t a cure for drinking too much beer or eating too much, but it’ll help you redevelop a healthier shape for your stomach)as well as reconnect you with some energies in your lower chakras which you’ve probably been blocking.

The constricted belly is also another sign of the disconnection between man and nature. Western philosophy has stressed the important of logic and of the mind. Most of what we cherish in the Western world is a product of either the mind or the hands. This focus on the upper parts of the body raises the energetic centre of gravity of the body. Whilst this has some obvious benefits, the downside is that this raising of the centre of gravity disconnects us from our lower body. The effects of this are disastrous. It encourages a disconnection from our sex and sexuality (as discussed previously – see blog of 23rd April “Love Her Belly!”), a disconnection between head and belly/genitals and between heart and genitals/sex. This disconnect between heart and genitals is responsible for much of the distorted imagery of sexuality that we hold in our society, which tends to objectify sex and especially women in a sexual context. If our sexuality is expressed in connection with our heart, there can be no objectification. With this connection re-established much of the abuse and disrespect which our society experiences would cease. This is one reason that I am so passionate about this work . I believe that in doing our own sexual healing, we not only heal our own wounds but also the wounds around sexuality of the collective unconscious.

The Importance of Grounding
This societal focus on the mind and hands also disconnects us from our feet. This leads to a lack of grounding. Many people in the “spiritual” community can tend to be very much up and out of their bodies a lot of the time. They can tend to give attention to the spiritual but not the temporal. We exist in our bodies. A philosophy which tends to deny this, as many Eastern philosophies do by encouraging us to transcend the body, denies an essential part of our humanity. We may be “spiritual beings having a human experience” – but a big part of that experience is about being in our bodies. Any denial of this creates an unhealthy disconnect between mind and body. This is what Ken Wilbur refers to as the Centaur stage. The centaur is the mythical beast part horse, part man. We can often operate as two different entities – spiritual and physical, ignoring the needs of one or the other. But body and spirit both have needs and ignoring them will lead eventually to one form of existential crisis or another.

Man & Nature
One of the more drastic consequences of this identification with the mind and upper body is that we lose our sense of groundedness. This is not only unhealthy for ourselves but also for our environment at large. Not feeling our connection with the earth disconnects us from our feet, our roots and ultimately from nature itself. Maybe this has been exacerbated in part by the Judaeo-Christian philosophy as expressed in Genesis: “Then God said, "Let us make man in our image, after our likeness; and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the birds of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creeps upon the earth."” This sense of having “dominion over” the other animals seems to set man “above” the animals. As soon as you create a two tiered structure you create a “superior” and an “inferior”. This sense of superiority can so easily lead to an objectification of that which is held to be inferior.

So, I encourage you all to bring your awareness down into our bodies, reconnect to your lower chakras, to your feet and to the earth itself, which ultimately supports us all, both physically and nutritionally. In the end even man made things come from the earth. Plastics are made from hydrocarbons which use oil based chemicals which come from plant matter millions of years old. Apart from the odd lump of meteorite there is nothing on the earth which is not from the earth. Anything which thus disconnects us from our sense of connection to it disconnects us from ourselves at a very core level.

A Simple Exercise
Stand with your feet about 8-10 inches apart. Allow your knees to soften and gently bend slightly. Make sure your feet are parallel to one another and bring your weight forward a little so that without lifting your heels off the floor, you are putting most of your weight on the balls of your feet. Now slowly and softly bend the knees and then straighten half a dozen times.

As you do this, breathing softly through an open mouth, breathing down into your belly, then lower down – into your genitals and finally breathe down into your feet and into the earth beneath you. Feel a sense of your connectedness to the earth, imagine your centre of gravity dropping lower in your body so that you are really present, grounded and have a “weightiness” that feels solid and sturdy.

Doing this exercise regularly or when you feel “light-headed” or stressed will help to bring you back down and give you a feeling of security and solidity which is much needed to balance the spiritual. Only once we have a strong sense of our physical self and a knowing that we are grounded in this earth can we truly experience in a full and healthy way the delights of the spiritual.


© Mike Lousada
Sacred Sexual Healer
www.heartdaka.com

FOR HIM & HER: Relationship as Gate-Keeper

Some relationships last a life time. Most, however, do not. The relationship is a mirror for where we are in our life and on our journey. If we can see relationship not as a statement about how the Other is but as a reflection of ourselves it can serve as an illuminating mirror to show us more about who we are at that time.

Every relationship is a lesson in love, sometimes a painful one. We may engage fully in love with the Other and then reach a point where the lesson is learnt and it is time to move on.

If you’re in relationship, look at your partner. Observe what attracts you to them. These are reflections of your own state of being right now. The wonderful things you see in your partner are also present in you. Now look at what stops them opening fully into love with you. These parts, too, are reflections of you. What part of yourself is stopping you from opening fully into love?

It may be that you have been lucky enough to find someone with whom you will spend the rest of your life. But, practically speaking, the chances are that you are in a relationship which will not endure. Don’t despair. I don’t mean to be negative, but to highlight how valuable these relationships can be if entered into with awareness.

Each person we attract into our lives in relationship (and that includes friendships and work relationships as well as intimate lovers) serves to show us something of ourselves. Each relationship is a lesson in love. In each relationship there is a psychic contract. Look at your relationship and ask yourself what is the lesson that you have (probably unconsciously) agreed to teach each other in this relationship. It may be that you have agreed to explore your sexuality more fully, or to test the trustability of a partner, learning along the way what behaviours bring you closer to this sense of trust, and which pull you away from it. Whatever the lesson, become aware of it and work to honour it in relationship.

If a relationship has run its course, and the lesson is learnt, its’ time to move on. If it no longer honours who you are or have become, it’s time to move on. If it no longer serves your higher good, it’s time to move on.

Ideally each new relationship builds on the last. The lessons of the previous relationships are incorporated into the new one and additional ones learnt. From a developmental perspective, each level of development includes and transcends the previous one.

Sometimes relationships endure, most don’t. In many relationships the Other can serve as a Gate-Keeper. You meet them on your path. You walk together for a while, then part company, the relationship having naturally served its purpose and having reached a natural conclusion. If the Other is a Gate-Keeper for you, he or she will take you forward in some way. You will become expanded, learning new lessons on your way and in learning these lessons, new possibilities arise. You will see new ways of being. The Other can show you this gateway which opens to a wonderful new world of possibility. But the Other cannot always walk with you into this new place. If they hold the key to the gate, that is if they show you this new way of being without being able to model it themselves, then they are a Gate-Keeper. Allow them to show you the way, but know that they cannot come with you through this gate. If this is the case, it may be that the relationship has served its purpose and it may no longer serve you to continue in it. Do not become angry with the Other for not being able to continue on your journey with you. Of course they can’t come with you; they are a Gate-Keeper, if they move on too they can no longer stand by the gate. So honour them for showing you the gate, bless them and move on, thanking them for their generosity.

In this way we can allow ourselves to move on from relationship and honour it, acknowledging the blessings that it brought us while still recognising that it was time to move on.

© Mike Lousada
Sacred Sexual Healer
www.heartdaka.com

FOR HIM & HER: Love Her Belly!

Love Her Belly!

Sadly our distorted Western culture has taught us that to be attractive we have to look a certain way. Not only does this dishonour the deeper truth of who we are but on another level it discourages us from expressing ourselves through our bodies in a full and healthy way. One of the ways in which our societies distorts the body image, especially in the feminine is to hold up the image of the stomach held in as one which we are supposed to believe is attractive. The immature masculine concept of the feminine holds that a sucked-in stomach is something to be desired and admired. The good news, ladies, is that this is an incredibly unhealthy belief and one which I hope to go some way to dispel here.

Feel Joy and Sadness Through the Belly
In holding our stomachs in, we are using a very successful method of restricting and controlling our emotions. A contracted belly is one which does not allow for the full expression of feelings. Think about a time when we allowed ourselves to cry – to really cry and release through our tears. In those moments our belly is heaving, as we breathe into it and release the sadness or grief which is held in our bodies. Think about a time when you have had a really good laugh. Again the belly is expanded – it’s not called a “belly laugh” for nothing!

The Importance of the Belly
Not only are our emotions held in the belly, aligned with the second chakra in Eastern philosophy, but also our intuition is held there too. We may have a “gut feeling” about someone or something. We can feel in our guts some unspoken thing and this is especially true for women who have a heightened sense of this awareness. Again, holding our stomach contacted deadens and disconnects us from that sense of intuition.

It is in this area too, in the woman, that life is created. The womb sits in the same area. Here is where our deeply held desires have their conception. It is where we carry them and, again sometimes in the case of women, life itself in the form of the foetus/embryo. This area is the home of our creativity, again held in the second chakra.

The Belly and Sex
The belly (second chakra) is also the seat of our sexuality. Pornographic and media imagery of women portrays the flat stomach as something sexually desirable. Sadly this could not be further from the truth. Having a belly is a sign of a mature woman – so, ladies: learn to love your belly! Its roundness implies a fullness and openness to the true mature feminine which the mature masculine truly desires. Having no belly is the sign of an adolescent girl. If your belly is withdrawn and sucked in cuts, you will cut yourself off from your sexuality by disconnecting your heart from your pelvis. How can a you soften into the melting richness of your feminine if you hold your belly in? It’s no coincidence that Victorian ladies wore corsets. It served to strap up and suppress their sexual desires. Perhaps a looseness of belly implied a looseness of moral character. We have ditched corsetry for the most part but sadly have retained the imagery of the constrained belly as desirable.

This image of the sucked in stomach as being desirable can be connected with the immature masculine. An immature man does not want a woman in her full creativity, in her full sexuality, in her full power. It makes him feel very threatened and small. But a mature man values these aspects of the feminine in all her glory and welcomes them. If you want to attract a man who is truly in his masculine, don’t be afraid to let your belly be soft and round. Real men will love it!

Breathing
If your stomach is held in, you cannot breathe properly. Air is drawn into the lungs but the diaphragm cannot push downwards and so a full intake of breathe cannot be achieved. This constriction stops us connecting with our emotions, our sexuality. It also creates a disconnect between the upper chakras and the lower chakras. If we don’t breathe properly, we can often find that we may have full movement of energy in our base three chakras, and a good flow of energy in the highest three chakras, but there is a block somewhere between them that stops them connecting. Of course the heart (being at the level of the lungs) also cannot connect fully with the genitals if we do not allow our breath to go beyond the lungs and drop down in to the belly and ultimately into the genitals themselves.

Softening the Belly – A Simple Exercise
Stand upright with your feet about shoulder width apart. Breather through an open mouth, taking long, slow breathes down into the belly. Do not force the breath but be aware of how deep you allow it to go. Allow the knees to be soft and slightly bent. Bounce lightly with the knees, allowing them to soften, keeping your feet firmly grounded on the floor. Let the bouncing move gently up your body until you feel it soften your pelvis too. Continue to allow this to soften and then bring that softening up to the belly. Give the muscles of your belly a rest! Allow them to relax so that your belly becomes soft and rounded. Fill it with air from your in-breath and gently expel it. Again, do not force the breath just allow it to enter the belly, fill it and leave it as you exhale.

As you do this exercise, be aware of how deeply you allow yourself to breathe. Notice any tensions you carry in your belly. Does your belly distend and become rounded and softer? How does having a round belly make you feel about yourself? There’s no need to do anything about this, don’t make any judgements you have about this wrong, simply observe how it feels to allow your body to do this and how you feel about yourself in this place.

The Belly Beautiful
Allow yourself to be more fully in your feminine by loving your belly, just as it is. Show your femininity by breathing into your belly and letting it become soft and round. Feel yourself more fully though the beautiful roundedness of your belly. Only when the belly is in its fullness can you also be in the fullness of your feminine grace, softness and beauty. Stepping more deeply into this soft feminine through engagement with your belly will help you attract more masculine men into your life.

© Mike Lousada 2010
Sacred Sexual Healer
www.heartdaka.com

FOR HIM & HER: Better Communication Skills – Part III: To Thine Own Self Be True

Better Communication Skills – Part III: To Thine Own Self Be True

Good relationships take effort and time to allow hearts to open and soften into each showing themselves to each other. To do this we need to communicate clearly with our partner and learn to express ourselves and our needs more clearly.

Be Explicit About What You Need
We can only expect others to meet our needs if we know what they are ourselves. So firstly, work out what it is you really need within the relationship – whether that is being together or time alone, silence or socialising, physical touch, more softness, etc. Ask ourselves what is it we really want from the other?

As children, most of us learnt that “I want doesn’t get” or were told “Don’t be so selfish”. SO we learn that it’s not ok for us to ask for our needs to be met, so we stay silent about them. When we don’t express our needs, they are unlikely to be met. The more specific and explicit you can be about your needs, the more likely you are to have them met.

By expressing our needs we risk rejection, having our needs neglected or misunderstood. It’s much easier to stay silent, allowing our feelings of neglect and resentment build up until it’s all too easy to blame the other for not meeting our unspoken needs.

Practise expressing your needs to the other. Work out what your own needs are and learn to share them with your partner. But be aware, this does not mean that the other has to comply, just because we express them. Your partner has needs to. Encourage them to express their needs to you as well. Sometimes your needs and those of your partner may be in conflict. Instead of becoming locked into argument over this see if there is a way that you can step aside from being so involved in the situation and work on it as a couple. Rather than asking yourself “what do I need?” ask “what do we need as a couple?” Assuming that you still want to be in relationship with this other, then the greater need is that which meets the needs of the couple rather than the individual needs of either of you. Tackling the problem together rather than on opposing sides is more likely to have a beneficial outcome for you both.

Be Wary of Expectations
Having expectations of the other limits possibility. For example, the more we identify them as “annoying” the more we are likely we are to perceive only their “annoying” traits. It’s as though we are looking through a filter which only lets through what we expect to see.

We can never control or change the other. They are how they are. Give them the freedom to be who they are and try to accept them for it. I love Eckhart Tolle’s thought on this. In any situation, he says, “you have three options: remove yourself from the situation, change it, or accept it totally”. So make an empowered choice around the other about which of those works best for you. Don’t seek to control them or put expectations of behaviour on them because the chances are that if you expect them to cheat on you, they probably will be driven to it by your suspiciousness.

Be Yourself and the Other be Themselves
As Monty Python pointed out in Life of Brian, “you’re all different, you’re all individuals!” As I comment more fully in my blog The Search for the Magical Other (15th April 2010), instead of aiming to make the other more like you, learn to celebrate the differences between you. Allow the other space to expand into themselves and celebrate them for that. The more someone is truly themselves the more the layers of protective shell fall away, revealing their true, divine nature.

“This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man”.
Shakespeare, Hamlet Act 1, scene 3, 78–82

© Mike Lousada 2010
Sacred Sexual Healer
www.heartdaka.com

FOR HIM & HER: Better Communication Skills – Part II: Making Space

One of our core needs is to be seen and this is nowhere more essential in our adult lives than in intimate relationship. Part of this is being able to express ourselves clearly and honestly, taking some risks possibly in doing so. Another key part is giving space to the other so that he or she feels that they are seen and heard too.

Active Listening
We probably all think that we know how to listen, but actually this is a skill which we typically need to learn and can hone with practise. Too often when the other is speaking it’s easy to go into planning our own reply or thinking if we can relate to their story and do we have one similar of our own to tell them. We can often interrupt the other by making words of assent which we might think are letting them know that we’re listening but which can feel more like interruptions themselves, however well meant.

Active listening is a different way of listening. It’s a way of actually hearing the other fully. When someone is talking to you don’t interrupt them or respond immediately. Don’t think about you are going to say, just listen.

When there is a suitable pause, you may like to do one of a few things. Check that you have understood the other correctly but reflecting back to them what you’ve heard – just a few key words can be very powerful. “So, sounds like you feel hurt when this happens”. This will ensure that a) you’ve understood them properly and b) you let the other know that you have listened to them and understood them. This makes them feel truly heard.

Responding vs. Reacting
This is a big one. When someone says something which effects us by creating an emotional reaction we can tend to reaction without thinking – just speaking from that place of feeling hurt or upset. This reactiveness leads us deeper into argument, by just batting things back and forth. When you’re partner says something which creates an emotional response in you, try practising not being immediately defensive. Just try to experience, internally what it feels like to hear what the other says and how it lands with you. Allow yourself space to feel what that is like, even if that’s really uncomfortable. However, uncomfortable it is, it won’t kill you. Just breathe and allow yourself to feel it as fully as you are able. In feeling into the sensation we pause, both experience and contain what is going on in us.

It is in this pause that awareness is created. If we move straight from hearing to reacting, there is no space for awareness and so no space for growth. This pause gives us the opportunity to feel into and understand what’s really happening for us. It’s only when we can understand what is happening for us that we can respond from a place of knowing exactly where we are at that moment. This difference between reacting (immediately) and responding (after reflecting) gives us choice and with choice comes empowerment. This is the empowerment of speaking more openly and honestly from our heart, in the moment.

Learn to Let Some Things go
Not every battle is winnable. Not every battle is even worth fighting. Instead of picking on every gripe or feeling that you need to bludgeon your partner into agreeing with everything you say, learn to discriminate.

Learn to see what really matters to you. Which areas of your life are truly significant? Where can’t you compromise? Knowing this, you will be able to let go of things in other areas which are less important but which can so easily become arguments over small things.

If we think that every single point is a potential battle ground and we argue over everything, our life quickly becomes very dull. We can easily become process junkies – only happy when we are in heavy duty discussion over some minutiae.

This is not to say “don’t argue”, but limit yourself to what matters or allow a small grumble out when you need to without needing to resort to a full scale discussion. Especially for those of us in the healing or therapeutic community it is all too easy to begin to relate to our partner through a series of processes. Hiding behind the mask of “authenticity” and “integrity”, we develop a pattern of only feeling connected to our partner when we are locked in angst ridden discussion.

Imagine that you could see your problems from space. We are all ants crawling around on this planet, in 100 years we’ll all probably be dead. Our time on this earth, at least in this form, is limited, make the most of it. Life is rich and beautiful; don’t fall into the trap of spending your relationship like this!

© Mike Lousada 2010
Sacred Sexual healer
www.heartdaka.com

Developing Better Communication Skills - Part I

FOR HIM & HER: Developing Better Communication Skills – Part I: Speak for Yourself

The basis which maintains a good relationship is communication – the clear, open and honest expression of thoughts and feelings from one party to another. It sounds simple but there’s a lot of ways in which many of us can improve our communication to help enable better relationships. Ladies – don’t expect your man to intuitively know what you’re feeling. We’re not wired the same way you are and we miss a lot of the subtle signals that you ladies take for granted. Men – don’t expect your woman to think the same solution oriented, linear way you do; again – different wiring!

But even with these differences there are some basic communications skills that can make relationship a lot easier. If you’re reading this blog the chances are you’re familiar with some of these concepts but it never hurts to be reminded and there may be some new stuff in here too. Since there are quite a few of these concepts, I’m going to publish them over a couple of blogs.

“I” Statements
This is a very familiar one to start with for many people who’ve spent some time in Workshop-land but it’s incredibly powerful and it doesn’t hurt to hone this skill whenever we can.

Learn to talk about yourself and what you experience/feel rather than generalising. Often people say to me things like “oh well, if someone does....you react like that don’t you?” Sometimes I feel that’s not true for me, so I might feel “No, actually that’s not how I feel, so who are you talking about here?” Instead of saying “you” in an abstract collective plural sense, practise saying “I feel this....” or “this makes me feel...”

This simple tool helps us to own and identify with the statements we make rather than putting out there on someone else. When I hear someone use an “I” statement I feel they are talking from their own experience rather than referring ambiguously to some random other. This helps me to relate more fully to the person speaking. When I hear “you” statements, I’m not sure what the speaker really feels. Is he using code – talking about another but really (secretly) telling me about his own feelings or is he really talking about someone else? When this happens, I don’t see or I feel them as clearly as when they use “I” statements.

Making “I” statements also helps us to be clear about what we really want to say. “You” statements are a way of hiding behind anonymity. If I say “I feel/think/want/need this....” I’m making a clear statement about my feelings/thoughts/wants or needs. As the listener I can be sure that this person is telling me something personal about his or her own state of being. This doesn’t mean I have to agree with it, it just makes it clear that this is their truth in this moment. “I” statements bring a sense of closeness to the other; “You” statements keep us at a distance from others we can use them as a way to protect ourselves from truly owning or expressing our feelings.

Another aspect of making “I” statements is that we cease to be accusing of others. If you’re partner upsets you, try saying “when you do this I feel upset”, rather “you make me feel upset”. You cease to point the finger at the other and reclaim your own feelings. Reclaiming our projections (an aspect of ourselves which we put onto the other rather than accept in ourselves) is one of the most powerful things we can do to become aware. So, when I talk about how I am feeling and acknowledge that this is what is going on for me, I take responsibility for myself, my feelings and my reactions and responses. In this way the other feels less accused and in not feeling accused, is more likely to actually hear you than automatically go on the defensive. “I” statements bring a sense of closeness to the other; “You” statements keep us at a distance from others we can use them as a way to protect ourselves from truly owning or expressing our feelings.

Be Specific
Be specific about how you experience the other. Try not to use generalisations like “you’re irritating”. Instead go for “When you do [giving a specific example] I feel irritated” (note the “I” statement in this too). Be as precise as you can and express what feelings you felt at the time. Women – men need to hear about what you feel IN THE MOMENT, not a week later after you’ve sat on it and let it eat away at you. We men have short term memories for stuff like this and we won’t retain it so when we hear you talk about something that happened a week ago, we probably won’t even recall it and if we do we’ll relate to you as you in the environment we’re in now and will probably get confused by the disjoint between what you’re expressing (from the experience of last week) and what’s going on now. Ladies – be gentle with us men, we’re simple creatures!

When we use specific, descriptive statements we have the opportunity to say what’s going on for us; to see what’s really landed within us from what the other person has done or said. This can serve to slow the discussion or argument right down. Feel into it before you speak – what really landed with me about what just happened? In slowing down and checking this out, we have a chance to stop being reactive and start responding.

Of course, we aren’t always aware of what is going on in each moment, but the more we practise being present and being aware, the better at this we can become and the better our communication becomes.

Making these specific personal statements, both “I” statements and the specific, descriptive statements, can make us vulnerable. We are telling the other how we are really feeling. We are showing them how their behaviours affect us. In doing this we open ourselves up and the risk in this is that the other may reject us. We may feel dismissed or unheard. But in speaking for ourselves rather than blaming the other we increase our chance of being heard and seen and in doing this, we increase the chance of having our needs met.

© Mike Lousada 2010
Sacred Sexual Healer
www.heartdaka.com

FOR HIM & HER: Beyond Deida? 4th Stage Relationship

Beyond Deida? 4rd Stage Relationship

David Deida writes beautifully about relationship. In his model he describes 3rd stages of relationship. Briefly, these are as follows:

1st Stage
This is 1950’s model of relationship. The man is the bread-winner. The wife stays at home and “makes house”. The woman is subservient to the man and dependent on him for his largesse – money, gifts, even money for house-keeping, etc.

In this type of relationship the masculine is somewhat in his masculine, but it is an immature masculine, expressed through responsibility, often felt to be overwhelming. He is not in touch with his emotions - such expressions would threaten the stability of his world and rock his fragile ego structure.

The woman is typically in the feminine but in a disempowered place. She may have the softness of the feminine but she does not have the true strength of feminine power.

The root of this relationship is one of patriarchy, which is often expressed through disenfranchising women and the immature use (and too often abuse) of power by men.

2nd Stage
In the 1970’s the feminist movement helped to overturn this patriarchal hegemony and began to empower women. Unfortunately one of the consequences of this has been that women stepped more fully into their power by imitating the masculine and often becoming over-identified with this at the expensive of their feminine. The revolution against patriarchy held women to burn bras, ditch their make-up and ultimately, to move into more masculine professions and too often forget the grace and beauty of their feminine.

During this phase of development, men were encouraged to get in touch with their inner feminine and to express their emotions more freely.

This development was a wonderful and necessary stage but had some disastrous results. Men became im-masculated, women de-feminised. Both lost their way to their core sacred masculinity and femininity. Apart from being a revolution against patriarchy, this phase is signified by a sense of equality – making out that men and women are equal. Too often the concept of being equal and being the same were confused. Deida christens this stage “50/50” – where both men and women are unclear about their gender identity and roles and sit somewhere between masculine and feminine, pretending they are both and the same.

3rd Stage
Deida’s solution to this unsatisfactory situation was to develop a 3rd stage relationship. This is one where the man is in his masculine, the woman in her feminine but both show equal respect for the other. There is equality, in the sense of a lack of power struggle between genders, but there is not sameness.

The woman is loved and held by the masculine. This enables her to go into the flow which is her natural state of being, she can be fully in the moment and experience and express this fully. The man is connected to his core masculine – a place of centred, groundedness and presence.

In this type of relationship there is mutually recognition and honouring of the differences between masculine and feminine, not a sense that “we’re all the same”. It is an attraction of opposites, of the dual polarities of masculine and feminine in their mature forms.

4th Stage
I believe there is something beyond the 3rd stage relationship. Each of us holds both masculine and feminine energies within us, in differing proportions depending on our gender and how we identify ourselves sexually. But even the most masculine man contains a feminine element and the reverse is true for every woman.

So, to honour all aspects of our selves, we need to recognise both masculine and feminine energies within ourselves and to bring these into relationship too.

A fourth stage relationship is one where, lets say for simplicity, the woman is predominately in her full feminine flow. The man is predominately in his masculine presence. This is the mainstay of the relationship, a point to which both partners can return for stability and structure.

But within that it is possible for the roles of masculine and feminine to be reversed. The man may assume a more feminine aspect for a time and the woman will naturally step into the masculine. This is very different from the 2nd stage relationship where the identities between man and woman are blurred by a sense of sameness.

This 4th stage relationship works when the man is so fully connected to his masculine core that he can step out of it with comfort and into his feminine essence and when the reverse is true for the woman. Being so deeply connected to this masculine core, the man has the confidence to step more fully into his feminine, knowing that he is not going to be perceived as effeminate, weak or “less of a man”. He is so in touch with this masculine core that this will shine through, even when he is in the feminine. In a sense it is the power that comes from being able to show ones’ vulnerability fully; to be able to say, this part of me is scared or small, it’s my inner child. And I’m so connected to my mature strength that I can show this “small” part of myself to you.

For the woman, being in her masculine in this way is not about being the hard-headed business woman. It is being able to be present and loving. She is in stillness, not expressing her flow of energy in the same way as when she is in her feminine. It is as though her presence is intensified through the condensing of the energy which normally expresses itself as flowing. Instead of going into her flow in response to what is received, she sits in pure acceptance of what is. From this place there is awareness and consciousness which manifests in her having a greater ability to make choices about how she expresses her feminine energy. It’s a beautiful combination of Love & Will.

Again there is the polarity and attraction of opposites but in this case they may from time to time be reversed from the more conventional duality that Deida describes as 3rd stage.

As with all developmental structures, the 4th stage incorporates and transcends the previous stages. In this place both as men and women we have more freedom and flexibility to express more and deeper aspects of ourselves, both internally and in relationship and in doing so, we empower ourselves further and move closer to our wholeness which is our divinity.

© Mike Lousada 2010
Sacred Sexual Healer
www.heartdaka.com

FOR HIM & HER: The Search for the Magical Other

Do you yearn for connection, enter relationship with high expectation, only to find yourself disappointed in the other persons lack of compatibility with you?

At a very deep level all of us crave connection. In fact it is our deepest yearning to experience profound connection. In truth the only time in this life that we are truly connected with another human being is when we are in the womb. At this point we are surrounded by the body, energy and being of our mother. We are physically linked to her, nourished by her and protected.

At the moment of birth we are rudely ejected from this state of blissful union with another. The sense of separation can be intensely traumatic, as many who have done re-birthing work will know. And so there is a sense of something lost, something which we would like to reconnect with. Most people spend the rest of their lives trying to recapture this sense of oneness with another. If we are typically male, we seek it in connection with the feminine; if typically feminine it is in the masculine we search for this completion.

Of course this longing for oneness also has a deeper meaning – the longing for union with the divine, which can be expressed through the union of polarity of masculine and feminine.

So as we go through life we tend to search for the other – what James Hollis in his book “The Eden Project” calls the “Magical Other”. It is as though this Magical Other will somehow complete us. We feel as though we are not whole and if only we could find this Magical Other we would be complete.

And so we look, we find someone and we enter relationship with them, hoping that they are this Magical Other. We find someone who shares our interests, our joys and fears and with whom, perhaps we can begin to open to love.

But sooner or later we begin to note that this Other is not exactly the same as us. We note the differences and they begin to niggle. If only they would do it this way, it would be better – more like ME!

This is when power games can begin to kick in. If the Other doesn’t do it our way, there can be a tendency to punish them. Or we may withdraw or start turning our energy inwards. Or outwards to another Other!

At this point we have a choice (as we always do); to continue playing the old games of power play or withdrawal; or to do things differently. Instead of criticising or judging the Other for their difference – learn to celebrate these differences.

This is nowhere more true than in heterosexual relationships where the difference between the masculine and feminine is profound at every level – physical, biological, neuro-chemical, emotional, mental, spiritual.

Instead of wishing the Other would come over to our way of doing things, celebrate the fact that men and women do things very differently.

I’m not suggesting that you stay in relationships that no longer serve or honour you. Just that we should have awareness around these issues and that we should all make conscious choices. I’m not saying that magic doesn’t happen within relationship, it is – but don’t confuse projection with magic!

If we can reach the point of celebrating the Other for their differences, then we not only honour the differences between men and women, but something truly magical happens. An alchemical process occurs that changes the nature of our relationship. It drops us into a deeper level of understanding, respect and honouring in which both masculine & feminine can open more fully to each other and to love. This is the true magic to be found in the Other.

© Mike Lousada 2010
Sacred Sexual Healer
www.heartdaka.com

FOR HIM & HER: Love & Will

Love and Will – another expression of masculine and feminine

Most of us are familiar with the concepts of the masculine and feminine. These differ from male and female. Although typically most men tend towards the more masculine and most women towards the feminine this is by no means exclusive and the concepts of masculine and feminine are not gender limited or limiting.

Shiva & Shakti
In tantra the masculine and feminine energies have very specific roles. The masculine is portrayed as Lord Shiva. His qualities are presence, attention, solidity, steadfastness. He is consciousness, awareness.

The feminine is known as Shakti. Shakti is the goddess, she is energy. In science all matter is actually energy, vibrating at different frequencies. Shakti is that energy and so she is all that is manifest.

Shiva observes Shakti with impassivity. He is merely the witness. There is a saying in tantra that without Shakti, Shiva cannot even lift his finger. Another saying has it that without Shakti, Shiva is a corpse. So the duality of Shiva & Shakti, of masculine & feminine is essential to life.

Another way to express these concepts of masculine and feminine is through the imagery of Love and Will.

Three Types of Love
Love, as we may easily imagine is the feminine principal. There are many models for Love. It comes in many forms but here is one model based on Osho’s thoughts in “Love, Freedom & Aloneness”. The lowest, he says, is Lust; physical desire, sexuality. This is the base of the pillar of Love. It is not Love in itself but without this foundation the pillar of Love cannot be built. Osho says “Sex is just an opportunity to grow beyond it[self] – but one has to pass through it”.

The second level of Love he talks about is that of egoic love. This can have many forms but it is limited to forms where there is some giving and receiving. It could be described in transactional analysis terms. “I will love you so long as you....( affirm me/buy me things/comply with me/meet my needs)” There’s a vast spectrum of possibilities ranging from the reasonable (“I would like you to meet my need to be loved”) to the mercenary!

The third and highest level is Unconditional Love. This is the divine Love. It is not constrained by ego, by fear or our personal smallness. It is the Love which gives without asking anything back. If we are lucky we can experience this in relationship, not merely as some philosophical construct. Loving ones partner enough that we allow them to be exactly who they are, we may express Love towards them without wanting anything in return. This Love of course also extends beyond personal relationship and into the divine.

On the Will
The masculine principal may also be expressed as the Will. I mean this not in some rigid Victorian way but in a number of different forms.

Like Love, the Will has many aspects. These can be defined as:

Strong Will – use of Will power of achieve results
Skilful Will – using aptitude to find the easiest path to a desired outcome
Good Will – acts of kindness
Transpersonal Will – that which serves our Higher Self and hence the universal consciousness

The Will is the masculine in action. Will is what is required to create. We can train our Will to achieve whatever we desire.

Balancing Love & Will
Only through combining both of these can we function fully in both our masculine and feminine aspects. Will used without Love can be destructive and selfish. Love expressed without Will can be ineffectual.

Heart Exercise
Here is a simple exercise to help you feel both Love & Will in action. Stand side on to your partner and hold their heart by placing one hand on their back and the other on their chest, both at heart level. The physical touch brings attention to that place and by having a hand in front and one behind, centred at the heart, this becomes the focus.

Invite them to breathe in through your hand holding them at the front. As they do, ask them to visualise Love entering into them through your hand.

Now invite them to breathe in through the hand holding them from behind. Get them to imagine that a sense of strength, Will and purpose enters their heart from your hand.

The hand behind holds the role of being supportive, stopping them falling backwards. It is an expression of Will.

The hand in front acts from Love, gently touching and infusing the heart with its gentle holding and loving presence.

Find the place where the two energies meet in the body and breathe into that place of balance.

Use your Will in service of your Love. Let Love guide your Will.

© Mike Lousada 2010
Sacred Sexual Healer
www.heartdaka.com

FOR HER: Do you have platonic male friends but no lover. Ever wondered why?

Are you surrounded by good male friends but wondering why you haven’t met the lover you hunger for?

You are very comfortable in the company of men, perhaps even more at ease with men than with women. You have plenty of male friends, some of whom you love deeply and have a deep connection with. You can be relaxed and playful with them, you can share intimate thoughts, feelings and secrets with them, but you’d never sleep with your friends. You are not hanging out with them because you go to football with them or get drunk either. You simply enjoy being around them; you understand men and feel at ease in their company.

And yet despite being surrounded by these men, you don’t have a boyfriend and certainly not the mature masculine lover that your heart is longing to be met by. So, if you’re so relaxed and yourself around men, why on earth not?

Well, the answer is simple. If you surround yourself with men with whom you have no intention of sleeping a couple of things happen. Firstly you may give off signals to some other available men that you already have enough men in your life and this may put them off. But a man in his masculine will not be deterred by this.

So there is another reason. Ask yourself why you choose to surround yourself with men you choose not to sleep with.

The sacred feminine wants to be seen by the sacred masculine. In being in the company of men you are partly fulfilling that deeply felt need. You can get your need for the masculine met in a very undemanding and unthreatening way. You can enjoy the benefits of the masculine at a distance as it were. You can have a taste of the essence of masculine without actually needing to engage with it more fully.

David Deida makes a great observation about this. He says (and I paraphrase mildly) “imagine that your most perfect lover has just spent hours making love to you. He’s opened you up mre than you can open yourself, he’s ravished you until you melt, he has exposed your heart, every cell in your body feels pummelled, alive, tenderised to infinity, he’s opened you to beyond that, light shining through you and he’s relentless in his loving you for hours and hours........” And now imagine that your platonic male friend comes round for supper. How attractive is he in that moment??

And because when you’re with your platonic male friends you prepare yourself, in effect you train yourself, to make yourself that little bit less attractive – because they’re platonic friends and you don’t want to sleep with them, so unconsciously you tone down your natural feminine power and beauty to a level where you cease to attract the attention from these men you don’t want them to give you.

Your body becomes used to this toning down effect and learns it so that when you do go out on dates it doesn’t know what level of femininity to present. This is not to say that platonic male friends are a bad thing for women, just that we always need to be aware of our interaction with the others. Every interaction with another has a sexual element to it. So just be aware of what level of sexuality you want to project and turns the filters on or off accordingly.

Your body yearns to be taken by the masculine and to be met at its deepest level of the soul. If you try to get that need met by platonic male relationships, you are constantly frustrating yourself. In effect you are only filling yourself up half way and at a deeper level you will always feel unfulfilled. So make a conscious choice about where and how you get your needs from men met and choose to bring all of your femininity to your meetings with men. Then it is more likely that when you bring your full feminine, you will be met by the full masculine and both male and female will find the deep sense of wholeness which comes from that sacred union of polar opposites.

© Mike Lousada 2010
Sacred Sexual Healer
www.heartdaka.com

FOR HER: Are you attracting unavailable men into your life?

Are you attracting unavailable men into your life? Are you single, yearning for a relationship and all you get are men with girlfriends, wives or those who live in a different country?

You want to be in relationship with a good man who can be there for you and who can love you and open you to love more fully than you can open yourself. But you find yourself attracting men who aren’t available in one form of another. Why is this? What’s going on?

It’s easy to go from this place of not being met to a victim place. Why can’t I attract the right people? Why does everyone else have a partner & not me? Why are these men behaving like this around me?

When we’re in this victim place, it a place of dis-empowerment; things happen TO us, we don’t have any say in them. We can feel rootless, ungrounded, pushed about by the ebb & flow of the vagaries of the universe.

The first thing to do is to reclaim your power. And the way to do this is to re-claim your projection. The painful truth is that YOU are giving out something which is attracting this type of man into your life. If you were giving out something different, you’d be attracting different types of men – the men you REALLY want to attract. But you’re not; you’re attracting unavailable men or men who can’t commit to you. And so you deny yourself the experience of surrendering to love in its fullest potential.

And here’s the most painful part: what you’re seeing in these men you attract is a projected part of your own self!

Many spiritual traditions tell us the material universe is Maya, illusion. In some sense it is. My belief, within tantra, is that all this “stuff” around us is very real. But that we create it ourselves. In a very meaningful way, we are all gods and goddesses within our own universe. The mind is a projector, a film camera. The universe is our projection screen and our DNA is the film can which records the experience.

So, onto the projection screen of life we project all manner of things. One of the things we project is ourselves - onto other people. As the Talmud says “we do not see the world as it is. We see the world as we are". When we encounter others, it is very useful and insightful (though often painful) to look at the other and ask ourselves – what part of myself do I see in you? Or make the statement in your mind “When I look at you I see my own… (anger/fear/love/divinity/rage, etc., etc.)”. Just complete as appropriate.

Once we begin to reclaim our projections we also begin to reclaim our power. As long as I hold the belief that “things just happen to me” or “only a certain type of person is attracted to me”, I have no power over events. As soon as I reclaim my projection and realise that it is I who am attracting these people, I have the power to chose who I want to attract into my life. I can change my behaviour to meet my deeper needs.

So, if you are attracting unavailable men into your life, or if you attract men who aren’t willing to commit to loving you fully, don’t look at them and ask “What’s wrong with them?” Look to yourself and ask yourself “What part of ME is unavailable for a relationship? What part of myself doesn’t want to commit?”

When you dive deeper into these questions, you can find surprising answers. It is likely that you have experienced rejection before and your mind and body have learnt that you can not trust the other. Often this belief system is laid down in childhood with our relationship with our parents. And so the mind and body learns to shut itself off from love. We unconsciously give off signals that indicate that we are not available for love and in doing so we attract only those who are equally unavailable or unwilling to commit to open their hearts in the fullness that you so long for.

This type of self examination is not easy. It takes great courage to look deep inside and to reclaim what we most want to deny. But the rewards are huge. They are no less than being met in the deepest need of your whole being: to allow yourself to be truly opened by love and to be met in union and celebration of the sacred masculine and sacred feminine with another.


© Mike Lousada 2010
Sacred Sexual Healer
wwww.heartdaka.com

FOR HER: "Your deepest desire is to be recognised as light" David Deida

"Your deepest desire is to be recognised as light, adored and worshipped as love's radiance, offering yourself as a gift of love to be claimed by true divine masculine integrity, ravished open to God by love's deepest claim to your heart" David Deida, Dear Lover.

Deida writes so beautifully about the feminine, he is a constant inspiration to me. Each time I read a chapter of his books, I feel re-inspired. For me, what he writes about here is part of the goddess nature of women. When the feminine is in surrender, she can truly go into her natural state of flow and in doing so, she connects deeply with the Now and to her divine essence. But for her to do that requires her to be held safely enough by the sacred masculine.

(I’m using “she/woman” and “he/man” to denote masculine and feminine here, though just to be clear, it’s by no means limited to gender. Each of us holds both masculine & feminine qualities and a man can embody the feminine just as powerfully as a woman – its just that typically men are more masculine and women more feminine so I’ll stick with that hetero-normative assumption in these blogs to simplicity!)

When a woman feels she can trust a man, she can begin to open herself. But this requires something very trustable from the man. He needs to be PRESENT. This is one of the most important qualities of the masculine. In tantra, it is the essence of Shiva – pure consciousness, awareness. The feminine is in the Now more fully than the masculine but the masculine is more in awareness, whereas the feminine is more about action/energy. In surrender, she flows as the ocean, crashing against the rocks of the masculine shore which contains her vastness. The masculine is stillness, being present to witness the majesty of the feminine in her power and full flow. Surrendering into her flow, the woman offers herself as a gift of love, a sacrifice – which in its true meaning, means a sacred offering – to the divine.

When a man can be present with a woman, she can relax into her flow and open. The more present the man, the more the woman can open. Each chakra opens like the most perfect flower, unfurling into blossom. Eventually, if the man can hold a strong enough presence, the woman can open her 6th & 7th chakras and in doing so she actually becomes the goddess, embodying her in all her beautiful and sometimes terrible glory and power.

If the masculine is strong enough, when this happens the man has no choice but to fully surrender to the goddess; he can only worship and adore her. In holding the space for the woman the gift for the man is that he is rewarded with meeting the goddess within his woman. In surrendering to the masculine the gift to the woman is that she is adored by her man and becomes the divine light of the goddess.

More on this soon.....


© Mike Lousada 2010
Sacred Sexual Healer
www.heartdaka.com