One of our core needs is to be seen and this is nowhere more essential in our adult lives than in intimate relationship. Part of this is being able to express ourselves clearly and honestly, taking some risks possibly in doing so. Another key part is giving space to the other so that he or she feels that they are seen and heard too.
Active Listening
We probably all think that we know how to listen, but actually this is a skill which we typically need to learn and can hone with practise. Too often when the other is speaking it’s easy to go into planning our own reply or thinking if we can relate to their story and do we have one similar of our own to tell them. We can often interrupt the other by making words of assent which we might think are letting them know that we’re listening but which can feel more like interruptions themselves, however well meant.
Active listening is a different way of listening. It’s a way of actually hearing the other fully. When someone is talking to you don’t interrupt them or respond immediately. Don’t think about you are going to say, just listen.
When there is a suitable pause, you may like to do one of a few things. Check that you have understood the other correctly but reflecting back to them what you’ve heard – just a few key words can be very powerful. “So, sounds like you feel hurt when this happens”. This will ensure that a) you’ve understood them properly and b) you let the other know that you have listened to them and understood them. This makes them feel truly heard.
Responding vs. Reacting
This is a big one. When someone says something which effects us by creating an emotional reaction we can tend to reaction without thinking – just speaking from that place of feeling hurt or upset. This reactiveness leads us deeper into argument, by just batting things back and forth. When you’re partner says something which creates an emotional response in you, try practising not being immediately defensive. Just try to experience, internally what it feels like to hear what the other says and how it lands with you. Allow yourself space to feel what that is like, even if that’s really uncomfortable. However, uncomfortable it is, it won’t kill you. Just breathe and allow yourself to feel it as fully as you are able. In feeling into the sensation we pause, both experience and contain what is going on in us.
It is in this pause that awareness is created. If we move straight from hearing to reacting, there is no space for awareness and so no space for growth. This pause gives us the opportunity to feel into and understand what’s really happening for us. It’s only when we can understand what is happening for us that we can respond from a place of knowing exactly where we are at that moment. This difference between reacting (immediately) and responding (after reflecting) gives us choice and with choice comes empowerment. This is the empowerment of speaking more openly and honestly from our heart, in the moment.
Learn to Let Some Things go
Not every battle is winnable. Not every battle is even worth fighting. Instead of picking on every gripe or feeling that you need to bludgeon your partner into agreeing with everything you say, learn to discriminate.
Learn to see what really matters to you. Which areas of your life are truly significant? Where can’t you compromise? Knowing this, you will be able to let go of things in other areas which are less important but which can so easily become arguments over small things.
If we think that every single point is a potential battle ground and we argue over everything, our life quickly becomes very dull. We can easily become process junkies – only happy when we are in heavy duty discussion over some minutiae.
This is not to say “don’t argue”, but limit yourself to what matters or allow a small grumble out when you need to without needing to resort to a full scale discussion. Especially for those of us in the healing or therapeutic community it is all too easy to begin to relate to our partner through a series of processes. Hiding behind the mask of “authenticity” and “integrity”, we develop a pattern of only feeling connected to our partner when we are locked in angst ridden discussion.
Imagine that you could see your problems from space. We are all ants crawling around on this planet, in 100 years we’ll all probably be dead. Our time on this earth, at least in this form, is limited, make the most of it. Life is rich and beautiful; don’t fall into the trap of spending your relationship like this!
© Mike Lousada 2010
Sacred Sexual healer
www.heartdaka.com
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