FOR HIM & HER: The Search for the Magical Other

Do you yearn for connection, enter relationship with high expectation, only to find yourself disappointed in the other persons lack of compatibility with you?

At a very deep level all of us crave connection. In fact it is our deepest yearning to experience profound connection. In truth the only time in this life that we are truly connected with another human being is when we are in the womb. At this point we are surrounded by the body, energy and being of our mother. We are physically linked to her, nourished by her and protected.

At the moment of birth we are rudely ejected from this state of blissful union with another. The sense of separation can be intensely traumatic, as many who have done re-birthing work will know. And so there is a sense of something lost, something which we would like to reconnect with. Most people spend the rest of their lives trying to recapture this sense of oneness with another. If we are typically male, we seek it in connection with the feminine; if typically feminine it is in the masculine we search for this completion.

Of course this longing for oneness also has a deeper meaning – the longing for union with the divine, which can be expressed through the union of polarity of masculine and feminine.

So as we go through life we tend to search for the other – what James Hollis in his book “The Eden Project” calls the “Magical Other”. It is as though this Magical Other will somehow complete us. We feel as though we are not whole and if only we could find this Magical Other we would be complete.

And so we look, we find someone and we enter relationship with them, hoping that they are this Magical Other. We find someone who shares our interests, our joys and fears and with whom, perhaps we can begin to open to love.

But sooner or later we begin to note that this Other is not exactly the same as us. We note the differences and they begin to niggle. If only they would do it this way, it would be better – more like ME!

This is when power games can begin to kick in. If the Other doesn’t do it our way, there can be a tendency to punish them. Or we may withdraw or start turning our energy inwards. Or outwards to another Other!

At this point we have a choice (as we always do); to continue playing the old games of power play or withdrawal; or to do things differently. Instead of criticising or judging the Other for their difference – learn to celebrate these differences.

This is nowhere more true than in heterosexual relationships where the difference between the masculine and feminine is profound at every level – physical, biological, neuro-chemical, emotional, mental, spiritual.

Instead of wishing the Other would come over to our way of doing things, celebrate the fact that men and women do things very differently.

I’m not suggesting that you stay in relationships that no longer serve or honour you. Just that we should have awareness around these issues and that we should all make conscious choices. I’m not saying that magic doesn’t happen within relationship, it is – but don’t confuse projection with magic!

If we can reach the point of celebrating the Other for their differences, then we not only honour the differences between men and women, but something truly magical happens. An alchemical process occurs that changes the nature of our relationship. It drops us into a deeper level of understanding, respect and honouring in which both masculine & feminine can open more fully to each other and to love. This is the true magic to be found in the Other.

© Mike Lousada 2010
Sacred Sexual Healer
www.heartdaka.com