Developing Better Communication Skills - Part I

FOR HIM & HER: Developing Better Communication Skills – Part I: Speak for Yourself

The basis which maintains a good relationship is communication – the clear, open and honest expression of thoughts and feelings from one party to another. It sounds simple but there’s a lot of ways in which many of us can improve our communication to help enable better relationships. Ladies – don’t expect your man to intuitively know what you’re feeling. We’re not wired the same way you are and we miss a lot of the subtle signals that you ladies take for granted. Men – don’t expect your woman to think the same solution oriented, linear way you do; again – different wiring!

But even with these differences there are some basic communications skills that can make relationship a lot easier. If you’re reading this blog the chances are you’re familiar with some of these concepts but it never hurts to be reminded and there may be some new stuff in here too. Since there are quite a few of these concepts, I’m going to publish them over a couple of blogs.

“I” Statements
This is a very familiar one to start with for many people who’ve spent some time in Workshop-land but it’s incredibly powerful and it doesn’t hurt to hone this skill whenever we can.

Learn to talk about yourself and what you experience/feel rather than generalising. Often people say to me things like “oh well, if someone does....you react like that don’t you?” Sometimes I feel that’s not true for me, so I might feel “No, actually that’s not how I feel, so who are you talking about here?” Instead of saying “you” in an abstract collective plural sense, practise saying “I feel this....” or “this makes me feel...”

This simple tool helps us to own and identify with the statements we make rather than putting out there on someone else. When I hear someone use an “I” statement I feel they are talking from their own experience rather than referring ambiguously to some random other. This helps me to relate more fully to the person speaking. When I hear “you” statements, I’m not sure what the speaker really feels. Is he using code – talking about another but really (secretly) telling me about his own feelings or is he really talking about someone else? When this happens, I don’t see or I feel them as clearly as when they use “I” statements.

Making “I” statements also helps us to be clear about what we really want to say. “You” statements are a way of hiding behind anonymity. If I say “I feel/think/want/need this....” I’m making a clear statement about my feelings/thoughts/wants or needs. As the listener I can be sure that this person is telling me something personal about his or her own state of being. This doesn’t mean I have to agree with it, it just makes it clear that this is their truth in this moment. “I” statements bring a sense of closeness to the other; “You” statements keep us at a distance from others we can use them as a way to protect ourselves from truly owning or expressing our feelings.

Another aspect of making “I” statements is that we cease to be accusing of others. If you’re partner upsets you, try saying “when you do this I feel upset”, rather “you make me feel upset”. You cease to point the finger at the other and reclaim your own feelings. Reclaiming our projections (an aspect of ourselves which we put onto the other rather than accept in ourselves) is one of the most powerful things we can do to become aware. So, when I talk about how I am feeling and acknowledge that this is what is going on for me, I take responsibility for myself, my feelings and my reactions and responses. In this way the other feels less accused and in not feeling accused, is more likely to actually hear you than automatically go on the defensive. “I” statements bring a sense of closeness to the other; “You” statements keep us at a distance from others we can use them as a way to protect ourselves from truly owning or expressing our feelings.

Be Specific
Be specific about how you experience the other. Try not to use generalisations like “you’re irritating”. Instead go for “When you do [giving a specific example] I feel irritated” (note the “I” statement in this too). Be as precise as you can and express what feelings you felt at the time. Women – men need to hear about what you feel IN THE MOMENT, not a week later after you’ve sat on it and let it eat away at you. We men have short term memories for stuff like this and we won’t retain it so when we hear you talk about something that happened a week ago, we probably won’t even recall it and if we do we’ll relate to you as you in the environment we’re in now and will probably get confused by the disjoint between what you’re expressing (from the experience of last week) and what’s going on now. Ladies – be gentle with us men, we’re simple creatures!

When we use specific, descriptive statements we have the opportunity to say what’s going on for us; to see what’s really landed within us from what the other person has done or said. This can serve to slow the discussion or argument right down. Feel into it before you speak – what really landed with me about what just happened? In slowing down and checking this out, we have a chance to stop being reactive and start responding.

Of course, we aren’t always aware of what is going on in each moment, but the more we practise being present and being aware, the better at this we can become and the better our communication becomes.

Making these specific personal statements, both “I” statements and the specific, descriptive statements, can make us vulnerable. We are telling the other how we are really feeling. We are showing them how their behaviours affect us. In doing this we open ourselves up and the risk in this is that the other may reject us. We may feel dismissed or unheard. But in speaking for ourselves rather than blaming the other we increase our chance of being heard and seen and in doing this, we increase the chance of having our needs met.

© Mike Lousada 2010
Sacred Sexual Healer
www.heartdaka.com