BDSM & the Healing of Sexual Abuse

First of all let me say that I am not an expert on the subject of BDSM. It’s not a scene that I know much about so please forgive me if I don’t use correct terms or show a full understanding of the scene. What I do know something about is the relationship between BDSM & sexual abuse. I’m also aware that an article of a couple of thousand words on this subject doesn’t begin to touch the sides of what we could discuss, but I offer it as some initial thoughts and welcome feedback and discussion.

It seems to me that many BDSM rituals are around the different aspects of power and control. There is the obvious role play of the dominant and the submissive partners, whejavascript:void(0)re one appears to have power over the other. In fact it is the submissive who actually wields the power in this relationship. It is they who determine what actions are permissible and, often through the use of a code word, when the play should stop.

This role reversal is often a conscious or more often unconscious way for those who have experienced disempowerment through sexuality to re-assert their control and dominance of another.

Re-writing the Script
This is nowhere more true than for those who have experienced sexual abuse, especially in childhood. If one has experienced abuse in childhood, there can be a very strong memory/experience/feeling of powerlessness. When the abuser is older/bigger/stronger than the abused, which is usually the case (the use of sexual control through manipulation is another matter), then the abused has lost control of their environment. They have no power, they have probably experienced physical pain and even a sense that their life is in danger. By playing out submissive fantasies, the abuse survivor can re-play the experience of sexuality but with a sense of control, despite the apparent surrender of control to the dominator. At one level the abused/submissive is looking here to re-write their experience. In the past they had experienced sexual disempowerment and now they are looking to re-write their script with a different outcome – one which will stop the feeling of loss of control. By stepping into the submissive role but actually maintaining control over the environment, through code words and agreements set in place with the dominator before the play begins, they re-exert their power over the other.

Sex & Punishment
Another aspect of the submissive is the association between pleasure and pain. The abuse survivor may not be able to allow themselves fully to enjoy truly the profound sensual pleasure of their sexuality. This can be because the abuser may have appeared to enjoy themselves during the act of abusing the other. Therefore, at an unconscious level, the abuse survivor may associate sexual pleasure with being an abuser. To allow themselves really to take pleasure in their sexuality, the abuse survivor would have to identify with the abuser – not something they would easily or willingly want to do. So, since the body’s natural urge is to have and enjoy its own sexuality, the abuse survivor may find a mode of expressing their sexuality in a way which is also punitive. “I’m enjoying sex, so I need to be punished for it”. This is a distortion of our physical and spiritual truth. The pleasure of our sexuality is our birthright. We wouldn’t be here but for sex and it is a profound part of our divine nature as well as of our physical needs.

Re-experiencing sexual abuse through playing out BDSM fantasies can actually re-traumatise the abuse survivor. Another aspect of punishment is that of self-rejection and guilt. The survivor may feel that they somehow invited the experience and so need to be punished for this. Coupling this with the low self-esteem and rejection of self which so often are the result of sexual abuse is a powerful but destructive combination.

Abuse & Rage
Typically when someone has been abused there is enormous, sometimes consuming and entirely justifiable rage within them. During the abuse the natural response of the abused may have been to resist, to fight back or cry out. But this is usually stifled, suppressed through threat, intimidation or physical power of the abuser. So instead of expressing the natural rage at such a terrible experience, the abuse survivor learns to suppress it within themselves. Any aspect of ourselves which is suppressed doesn’t go away. It simply leaks out in other, usually inappropriate ways. If we have trouble expressing anger, it will often build up until it explodes over some small incident leaving the recipient stunned by the severity of our reaction.

Pain & Pleasure
The experience of pain in a submissive role play can be stimulating. This pleasure can come from the sense of contraction which bondage and other role plays can stimulate. It is the generation of energy through restriction. It is one way for an abuse survivor to “be forced to” experience pleasure, which, as discussed earlier, can mean identifying with the abuser. However, this excitation is localised, usually in the genitals and is not a full experience of sexual, sensual expansiveness. In some situations the abuse can also be, in part, pleasurable. This can create a sense of guilt and a powerful conflict of emotions in the survivor. The body and psyche can become confused by this conflict. So the survivor may be trying to “learn to enjoy” the experience of pain.

However, this desire to experience pain can mask a deeper need by the abuse survivor. If their rage is suppressed it will take a lot for it to rise to the surface. Being forced to experience pain may illicit an anger response in the survivor. This may look like a desire by the recipient to turn their rage on the person giving the pain. Often this rage is expressed as a desire to bite the pain giver, to tear them apart, sometimes to burn them. If the person administering the pain is strong enough they may be able and willing to allow the survivor to turn the tables and physically act out some of these needs. This can be part of the re-writing of the script which the survivor so desperately craves: to turn their rage on the abuser and reassert their physical power of them.

But there is another way to allow the survivor to release their rage. Encouraging the survivor to get in touch with their rage and bearing witness to it. The person who was previously giving the pain must have the strength to stand in the face of the terrible, overwhelming rage which may arise in the survivor. In being seen in this way, the survivor is given permission to acknowledge their own rage without shame or needing to suppress it. This is an enormously healing experience.

Ground rules of BDSM
There is a fine line between using BDSM to re-experience trauma and using it to heal, but however you use BDSM there are some essential rules to follow.

Firstly, BDSM, like most sex, can be a loving, intentional act or it can be abusive and objectifying. Whatever sexual activity you engage in make sure that there is an element of Love to it. If Love is present, then there is the essential I/Thou relationship, that is the sense that the other is another human being with emotions, sensitivities and feelings which need to be respected and honoured. Once we lose this connection with Love the I/Thou relationship can quickly become an I/It relationship. This is the objectification of the other. They become an object there to simply serve our desires, no matter what their personal needs may be.

Finally, any BDSM play that you engage in should respect the following criteria. It should be Safe, Sane and Consensual. So go into the fullness of your whole sexuality, explore and enjoy, but be aware.


© Mike Lousada
Sacred Sexual Healer
www.heartdaka.com